This week I have been watching my favourite TV show Men In Trees starring Anne Heche. It is the show that helped me move on from my ex and I will always be grateful to the writers for helping craft a story so inspiring and stimulating I left an extremely bad relationship.
The show has brought up many old memories and feelings, things that I was convinced I had dealt with but I obviously haven’t sent them off completely. Being cheated on is never easy and in some ways I think my confidence has never recovered and it is going to take on hell of a guy to rebuild it.
So often I see people around me just happy to cruise along in self-destructive relationships, completely toxic and suffocating each other but still staying as it is easier than being alone. Others I know just cruise from one guy to the next like a seagull flying from one rock to the next, always constantly moving never finding what they are truly looking for.
This challenge is teaching me things about myself that I never knew, it is also bringing to light things that I don’t like about myself and can no longer hide from. I never realised in my whole life that I am a control freak, most of my friends are probably laughing and agreeing but I had no idea. My meditation and self-reflection made it quite clear this morning “Good morning control freak! What situations can you control today?” This is the most alarming and surprising thing I have learnt so far. In doing so I have tried to change but it is not as easy as it sounds. Only just acknowledging a major flaw and trying to change it? Not much fun when you are a control freak.
The point is I don’t know when I will be ready for another relationship again what I do know is that with each day I am still healing, rebuilding myself to what I once was only this time with a more solid, balanced foundation that will be a shining beacon.