This is closely linked to rock 5 Chicago Bull and something that my closest friend revealed to me tonight. When I get around new people or situations where I don’t feel comfortable I put up thick galvanized steel walls so they can’t see who I really am.
There is an element of truth to this and it is because of bullies like Chicago Bull and my Dad who always teased me and made fun of who I was, forcing me to constantly feel judged and ashamed of who I am that this is the best way I know how to cope so I feel accepted into society.
Watching Xmen: First Class yesterday the main message I got was well actually two messages, the first is that Xmen is super gay! I mean come on “Mutant and proud” sounds like “Out and proud” but the other main thing I got was “You should not be trying to fit into society, society should be fitting around you” It was simple yet so powerful and something that I am trying my hardest to work on.
I have started a new job in the last week and I am surrounded in my training group by mothers, women that are older than me and who are boisterously loud. I have been feeling overwhelmed by their personalities and that I wouldn’t fit in or be accepted into the group. Today I changed that, I was a lot more forthcoming of my opinions and was more myself than I had been last week and it felt amazing.
I can no longer afford to put up these walls, I don’t want to miss out on opportunities and friendships that won’t be there if I continue to do this. This is a HUGE rock for me and I can’t wait to throw it off that cliff and never see it again.