Yesterday I finished work and walked a block down to the next set of buildings to wait for my friend to finish her shift so we could have dinner and go shopping together. I called her to find out how long she would be and went to go and wait at the car. As I crossed the road and stood in the pedestrian island in the middle of the road a car slammed on its brakes right in front of me and the 4×4 behind it completely scrunched the back of it up and pushed it half way down the street. In this moment I was shaking and completely freaked out. While watching this I thought about my life and would I have been happy if I had died right there in that moment. This may sound morbid and emo-ish but it’s not, it helped light a fire under me. The last couple of posts have been about how I let other people affect my life and how I act. Honestly I don’t give a fuck anymore. I have lived my whole life smiling sweetly, saying the right thing being fake nice and I am so sick of it! Constantly stroking other peoples ego’s and feeling like shit about myself I am done with it! It’s time I take control of my life and get what I want. I don’t mean I am going to turn into a total raging bitch or anything I just won’t be putting up with crap anymore and stroking your ego to make you feel better about yourself.
I was thinking about the amount of times I have done this in the past, in particular I was telling a friend about the children’s novel I am writing and they turned the whole conversation to be all about them and their creative endeavours without even acknowledging mine or showing any sign of interest. Looking back I should have called them out on it, and while I didn’t want an ego stroke from them, some acknowledgement and support would not have gone astray.
As I met my friend and we went to the crash scene to make sure everyone was alright and offer to provide statements the driver of the car who slammed on his brakes was completely shaken. He was sitting on the ground shaking his head in his hands and nervously checking his phone every two seconds, I couldn’t help but compare my life to his. I get quiet and shy around new people and put up a lot of walls that I have been working on but they are still there and I cannot help but feel judged for being who I really am. This “Eat Pray Love Challenge” has taught me that change is not an instant process, there is no internal switch you can flick inside you and everything is magically different and you are a whole new person. You slip, you fall, you fail at certain things but the point is that you keep on trying to be a better person.
I have decided to extend “Pray” out till the end of July at this stage as I have a lot more rocks to add and things to be dealt with before my big walk. I will keep adding more rocks as I write them. I have just started a new job so I won’t be posting as much as I normally do as I find I am too brain dead to write when I get home and the stuff that I do is not suitable for posting on this site.
The point of this post is that life is hard, as children we are told to be a certain way and act a certain way. Then we get older and everything changes. We know who we are as individuals and this shapes our future. If you don’t like who you are change it. If you don’t like who you are hanging around, change it.