Saturday was possibly the worst day of my life. I woke up in the morning and felt like absolute crap, I could feel my insides screaming out for rest but my brain being the weird thing that it is just wouldn’t let me sleep. I had being grouchy the night before and snapped at my house-mates a few times which I hate doing but there was something bugging me that I couldn’t shake.
I got out of bed and moped around the house for a little bit getting more and more frustrated internally than I have been in a long time. I decided to go and check out the new Marketown (a shopping centre that just opened here last week) as I walked into the shopping centre a new wave of anger swept over me, I walked through the new stores barely noticing what I was looking at and not really caring. After a quick sweep through the shops I decided that the centre was crap and decided to go for a walk along Newcastle beach.
As I got to the beach the anger subsided (something the beach always does) and tears started forming, I sat on the sand bed and looked up at the sky and started crying (thank god no-one else was around) as I cried slowly it started getting uglier the tears wouldn’t stop falling and my head was swirling with thoughts about not wanting to be here any more. These are thoughts that I have not had for years. The tears finally stopped and I felt empty like my whole inside was just hollow and there was nothing there any more, nothing worth living for, nothing worth saving. I kept rolling these thoughts around in my head and I put my headphones back in. I pressed shuffle on my IPod and a song came on Marry The Night by Lady GaGa a song off her new album Born This Way. The first few lines of the lyrics are “I’m gonna marry the night. I won’t give up on my life. I’m a warrior queen live passionately tonight. I’m gonna marry the dark, gonna make love to the stars. I’m a soldier to my own emptiness, I’m a winner.”
Now that you are all over laughing about “Warrior queen” and the irony we can move on. The words washed over me and I felt a new renowned sense of strength filling me up with happiness and life again. This is something I haven’t experienced before, call it God, call it energy, call it what you will it was amazing. I started smiling and as the song went on I cried tears of joy, happy that my mood had changed and relief that those thoughts and feelings had passed with no trace left in mind. It’s nearly been a year since I lost two friends to suicide and before Saturday I could never confess to truly know the feeling of wanting to end your life because you are not happy any more.
I got home and apologised for my mood the night before and we decided to have a boys night out. Dinner at the pub followed by bowling (with lots of drinks) then karaoke (with more drinks) and dancing (too many drinks but enough to be amazing!) we had the most amazing night out and I felt loved and secure in myself and with the world around me. I believe this was a test from whatever being is out there and while I do not know if I passed I know in future that I have plenty to live for, plenty to be grateful for and to snap myself out of those moods before it gets that far.