Love is honestly a fucked up thing. I know a good writer never swears but there is no other word in the world that can possible describe how I feel about love right now apart from this. Over the last couple of weeks while I have been trying my best to find love I have been stood up, ignored, deleted and blown off (and not in the good way!) While I believe with every fibre of my being that I am an ambassador for love and relationships why do I find it so hard to find one for myself? Is it because I screwed up my last relationship so epically that the universe is too scared of what I will do to another one? All these thoughts keep swirling around my head with my good old friends low self esteem and early rejection. Let me explain what I mean by this. Whilst I have always struggled with the weight issue it just seems to escalate some days more than others, I look at my hair, my moles, my skin, my eyes and the horrible black streak under them and I say to myself “Who could ever want this!” and in the inner depths of my being I know this is not true but yet my friend low self esteem just loves filling my head with these thoughts. Early rejection is a favourite, I used to be too afraid to meet guys or go out on dates because who knows what would happen and I would instantly reject them convinced that they wouldn’t actually like me so I would save myself the humiliation and the waste of time and reject them in my head before the first or second date. Sounds nuts right?
My last relationship was so fucked, I am convinced that I did everything I could to fix it but I know I am better off being alone but the facts are I have not dated like seriously dated in 4 years. Looking at that figure scares me a lot, how can I be so shut off to love and a new relationship? Just when I think I am ready for a relationship the guys decide it’s my turn to be stood up, blown off and let down or is it just the universe early rejecting me for a relationship based on past experiences? I know a fair few people who are in relationships just for the sake of having one, some have even got married for the status or thinking that this is what is expected and I know that in a million years I could never be this person so where does this leave me? Alone on a Saturday night cooking Julia Child’s beef bourguignon a recipe I have been too frightened to cook for years now. My housemate’s have gone out for the night and I get the obligatory invite “Are you coming out later?” Call me old, call me senile, call me whatever you like but I do not want to be one of those thirty something’s dancing, partying around desperately wishing someone would look my way.
In my life when it comes to love the last thing I would want is to hook up with someone at a club and that’s the story of how we met and got together, it’s not classy, it’s not who I want to be or a good foundation for a relationship (in my opinion) this is my personal view, I know a few people who have started their relationship this way and it has been great for them, but it is not for me. I am tired of wasting my Saturday night’s at the poor excuse for a gay club here in Newcastle with the same 18 year old twinks and over 30’s crowd who have boyfriends but are there cruising for their “open relationship”.
Some of you may argue this is why I am alone and you could make a very good point of it but this is not who I want to be and it’s a choice I am making. The other conclusion I have come to about guys in this town is that they all think they are better than what they actually are. As a person I don’t like to believe that I am better than anyone else and a lot of guys in this town believe they are (once again a generalisation based on experience) I know that this will always be “home” even though I know I will not always live here. There is a whole wide world out there just waiting to be explored full of other guys and experiences. The biggest challenge is letting go of the past and moving onto those new experiences.