Letting go of things is truly on of the biggest challenges I have ever found, in particular personality traits that I really do not like about myself. To be more specific I refer to it as the bitch switch. For some unknown reason say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing, look at me funny and my switch is flipped! I can hold grudges for eons and tell everyone that I come into contact with how horrible you really are and why I am the victim. I do not know why I do this or how I open my mouth and it just comes out. It is something I used to tell myself I had absolutely no control over, but not that this challenge has brought other things to light I now realise the naivety of my previous thinking.
As I went for my daily jog along the beach I began to slow down and my brain started ticking into overload, why is it that I am at my very core deeply unhappy with my life? Is it because I am single? Is it because the majority of my friends have partners and I am constantly the third or fifth wheel? Is it because I still do not believe I can make a career out of writing? These thoughts and many more continued to swarm around my brain jabbing on the edge of my skull every now and again to force me to think about them. I stopped and looked out at the water, so clear, so peaceful, so incredibly perfect and began to wish that my life was like this. A cool and clear wave of perfection that just keeps rolling in on beautiful sandy shores. I began to walk a little further and came to my absolute favourite spot on Nobbys Beach, a place I have deemed to be named “Swirling Point”. It is a gorgeous mass of water that has two tides colliding and swirling together in a raging, fury mess that is confronting but also incredibly beautiful at the same time. I have often stood at this spot and thought about a lot of things and made some of my best decision at this point.
Today would be no exception, I began to think about all the people I hurt with my bitchiness and I began to cry. Now I am not talking a few little drops I am talking falling to my knees and sobbing (yes none else was around fortunately) as I shook back and forth with my knees now embedded deep in the sand the crying got more intense and as I began to think about the friendships I had lost, the opportunities I had let slip by and everything that had come of it I let out a scream. To anyone watching I would have looked like the craziest person they had ever seen but my state of intense repentance was immeasurable I was not thinking about who was around. This was the first time I have ever been truly sorry and had bad feelings about this issue. I began to pick myself up, shook the sand of my knees, put my sunglasses back on and stood at swirling waters watching the water that was continuing to swirl and muster.
Finally my tears stopped and I felt a sense of calm just wash over me. As I looked out into the water I closed my eyes, I envisioned a sharp steel knife and plunged it into my heart, I twisted and turned the knife and found the exact source of the “bitch switch” I sunk the knife as deep as I could into it’s juicy dark flesh and yanked it out of my body. As I pulled it closer out of my chest I could see my vital organs clinging to it, desperate for it not to be ripped out of me. I used my free hand to break their hold and finally ejected the muscle from my body. I held the knife up in the air and threw it out into the swirling waters. The muscle dropped onto the sand in the middle of swirling waters and the sand opened up and swallowed it whole.
The surface reformed and I could feel myself felt better, like for the first time I had sucked all of the poison out of my life and I was ready to re-build. I do not know what is going to happen from here, I am trying every day to be a better person, specifically in this regard. I do now know what the future holds but I do know that it is better.