It has now been over a year since I started this challenge and while parts of it have come and gone I am still at the core trying to get this to work. I have not been blogging a lot lately due to negative feedback and having to moderate comments due to their hateful nature. We live in the age of opinions, the common man can access the internet and voice their opinion on whatever they want to without remorse or consequence, and to most people that is acceptable. Being brutally honest I have poured so much of myself into this blog and writing a book about relationships that I find myself being completely devoid of my own self. This year I have become a literal hermit hiding away in my house writing night after night and this has seen me push away other things and people that have left lasting consequences that I can never take back. Just to add more to this I am now seeing a psychologist twice a week to discuss all of these issues and have finally have to admit that I struggle with depression. A deep rooted issue that I thought I had nipped in the bud years ago but this year it came back to rear its ugly, protruding head and I now find myself struggling to keep up with my own self. I often question where I am and what am I doing here and I make erratic decisions based on emotions that cloud my judgement at the time and finally this year it has all come crashing down on top of me.
I am not sure what to do or where to go from here but I do know that things have to change, I need to change. I have to stop putting on a brave front and telling myself that everything is going to be alright because it might not be, I want to be a successful writer but at the end of the day I might not be. The main concern is that my friend count has dropped dramatically this year, people have fallen away due to marriage, babies and different directional growth, some have grown tired of my constant suffering and whining and decided to cut me loose and some are physically moving states through no decision of their own and it has me questioning my whole existence. Why am I still here in this place right now? Why am I continuing to do the same thing year after year single, alone and just repeating the same things over and over again?
Half a pizza, an entire bottle of red wine and tub of Homer Hudson ice cream later tells me this, that I need to make a change both inside and out. The last year has been about finding balance and somewhere along the way I lost it completely. This is the time that I choose to take it back, I am making a conscience decision that 2012 will be different. I am going to get off the anti-depressants and take my life back! So as of now the blog is back and you are free to leave all the hateful comments you want. I won’t be retracting posts or writing status updates about it. I write what I want for me and no-one else and if you don’t like it there are plenty of others to read. Thanks for sticking with me this year and I look forward to another year of Eat Pray Love Challenge and what it holds in store for me.