Today I was expecting to have a perfect day, I woke up early, had a shower, put on my workout clothes and headed to the beach with a friend to start the week with some much needed exercise. As we strolled up and down Merewether beach marvelling at just what a truly beautiful place this is we began discussing our futures and our desires for this year and how to achieve our goals. I have found myself very off track recently especially when it came to my weight and taking care of my body. I am so good at taking care of my soul and spirit but it is just this flesh, this podgy, flabby flesh that just refuses to submit to being anything but fat. As I huffed and puffed and started to whine about how sore I was, the heat started glaring down and that was it, I was out. It was after this that I had to venture home for a shower and change and head to the hospital to visit my Mum who was admitted the night before. I had no idea what had happened just an sms saying she was there and would like a visitor. As I walked into the doors and saw a pale looking creature who somewhat resembled the woman who gave birth to me I could not believe my eyes. Her leg was in a splint and she has never looked this drained of energy or will. Immediately my heart sank I wanted to break down on the hospital floor and cry my eyes out. I summoned all the strength I had and began talking to her as much as her condition would allow her to and after several hours visiting time was over and done.
The car ride on the way home was filled with general chit chat to keep the subject light and breezy but in my mind things were ticking over. How many more times do I have to visit a hospital? In the last 2 years I have been more times than I care to mention and how long would it be before this time ran out? The last time it happened I had a self realisation that life is short and I needed to start doing the things I wanted, but this time there was none of this, this time there was just emptiness and longing that things would not have to change, I guess I believed this notion that my mum would live forever, well as long as I am around so will she. She has fought cancer, heart attacks, broken bones, surely this is just another test in her life, but this nagging little voice in the back of my head kept saying “What if this is it?”
Personally I am sick of hospitals and waiting around in them to find out bad news, or worse news, or even good news. I guess this time the wake up call is that everyone does not live forever, things happen, we all know they do and the best that we can do is to be here for our families when they do as much as we can. Even though we have completely different world reviews, our religions are worlds apart as are our values I will always love my Mum, always cherish and respect her and today was one of the hardest days I have ever had to endure. I am still waiting on my wake up call for this episode…who knows it may reveal itself in the next few days…I just have to wait and see.