Part 4 – Relationships beginnings
As I continued to live in the old house I came across an interesting profile that drew my attention. The guy was new to Adelaide and didn’t have any clue about my slutty ways. We started chatting a lot and he came over to stay the night. After an afternoon of incredibly hot sex and talking he offered to make me dinner. Cooking me fish and salad from actual fresh fish I was completely hooked. This guy seemed like the perfect man. We continued making out and discussed moving in together right away. This was were my head was at, I was lonely, desperate and seeking any form of love that would have me. He called the next day when the dust settled and he got home to say that it wasn’t a good idea for us to move in together. This was definitely a good move on his part as hot as he was/is we were not ready for that and still to this day we remain friends. He was my first taste at what I wanted and convinced myself I needed to be happy.
My first semi relationship was with a guy named Mitch. He was older than I was, not by much he was in his early 30’s, a real estate agent and he played guitar in a band (that should have tipped me off right there!) The first night he took me out for a date we went to a Oyster bar for oysters kilpatrick and shots of pertrone, shortly after we headed to a grand old Italian restaurant La Trattoria were he wined and dined me. The date was off to a great start, from there we headed to a small cafe for coffee and frangelico with biscotti, as the last drop left our mugs we were both absolutely intoxicated. We stumbled into a taxi and headed back to his place in the city (the slut just won’t die!) and he begged me to top for him, something I had not done before. I was used to the other guy being in control and dominating me but this time the tables were turned. This is the first time I felt truly powerful and in control. After this night we spent the next couple of weeks in and out of each others beds and lives were we could fit it in. Through all of this we did not seem to be connecting that well, the dinners got shorter and shorter and eventually just resulted in sex at his house were he would fall asleep after and I was wide awake feeling empty. He did not own a landline phone and his prepaid mobile phone was constantly out of credit, this along with final notice bills that littered his apartment were a sure sign that this was not the relationship I wanted. This was my mindset at the time, believing that these were the things that made a relationship attractive and perfect.
Finally it all came to a crashing halt one night I was dreadfully sick with one of the worst flus I have ever had in my life. I was literally sleeping with my heater for a week, a blanket over my head writing in pain. Knowing I was feeling like this he asked to come over and I refused, he showed up drunk and insisted on staying. Knowing full well I was sick and drenched in sweat he still tried to force himself upon me. Fondling and kissing me while I had snot and sweat pouring out from of every pore in my body was not really my idea of a romantic night in. It was clear to me that this guy had no respect for me at all. It was the first time I had to break up with someone and it felt weird. Not knowing what to say I resorted to not returning phone calls, ignoring text messages, avoiding the usual places just to make certain that I would not see him. After a few weeks it was safe to say that he got the hint. Finally a month later I plucked up the courage and called him, it went straight to voice mail so I left a message “Hi M it has been a while I am sorry I have been distant I have just been doing a lot of thinking and I have come to the conclusion that we are not good together. I am sorry but this isn’t working. Bye!” I immediately hung up and was processing what I had just done. After I sorted out the conflicting emotions I felt relieved and ever hopeful that there was someone would be out there for me.
It was through this process that I began to discover that I wasn’t feeling great about myself or what I had done. I almost felt guilty and to some point ashamed that I had so casually thrown away a chance at a relationship just because I was feeling incredibly sick. This was the first time I had ever felt remorseful about a relationship ending, a feeling I am sorry to say that would stay with me for a while. Over the course of the next few weeks I began acting irrationally. For one entire week I cleaned our apartment from top to bottom every day. Scrubbing away the mould on the bathroom roof, cleansing the toilet over and over again, vacuuming every last crumb off the carpet and Jiffing the stainless steel kitchen sink to the point of a glare. It was strange, it was odd, my friends asked if I was pregnant or going through “the change” I knew that none of these were the answer and finally after a week my cleaning frenzy whittled down to non chalant calmness and I began to sink into a deep depression. It was wildly complex and upsetting everyday I would wake up, go to the beach and sit and think all day long. This went on for a few days before my housemate alerted me to my lack of bathing and ability to change clothes and again I was back to just pure depression.
It was then that I discovered the phone sex chat lines. Now before you judge just remember I came from an extremely sheltered christian upbringing and I did not know that such things existed. This horrible addiction cost me so much over the next couple of months if I could go back in time and change it I would. I would spend all afternoon and night on the phone chat lines. I was the 1800 whore and I was chatting up like there was no tomorrow. I talked to some interesting characters, the first one I actually met was named George. Immediately the name turned me off as I imagined an older gentlemen with glasses that was 55-60 years old who wore a waistcoat and perfectly pleated pants but something about his greek accent made me want to meet this guy. We met at the jetty in Glenelg were we had coffee and went for a walk on the “beach”. If you have ever been to Glenelg you will know why I put the inverted marks there. We talked for hours on the beach and when it got too cold went back to his loft in the city where the conversation continued for several hours and listening to jazz music. When the morning crept up on us we crept into his bed and lay there talking. He put the moves on and we got to second base. It was here that he stopped and wanted to take things slow. He was a decent guy but seemed very boring, very plain not entirely what I was looking for at all. So after he dropped me home and I got my head around bacon and eggs I decided not to see him again, even to the point of disguising my voice (not so convincingly) on the phone chat line when came on that it wasn’t me.
After this terrible disappointment my slut switch turned itself back on and seemed to go into hyperdrive mode and I once again began doing my rounds. The highlights included a high profile AFL footballer who I will still never name who was incredible on and off the field, a straight tradie who plowed me in his ute still high on whatever amount of drugs he had taken the night before in a carpark at the beach.
It was at this time that I hit the clubs again and once again started making my rounds with a new crowd of guys this time at the club Mars. As I made my way around the club two nights a week I began to feel that empty feeling again the same night I did at Mitch’s house and then without even realizing it I was back in relationship mode again. This of course coincided with seeing Pete the mechanic again. One night I was out doing my rounds at a karaoke bar for the launch of Sky Vodka and with a free vodka for every song you sang I was in! I hit the club early and sang a few tunes to get some drinks up my sleeve and then halfway through “When You Say Nothing At All” by Ronan Keating in walked in Pete. Dressed in tight black jeans and a DC Skate tight t shirt he was looking hotter than ever. My eyes immediately turned to him and for a second I forgot the words as our eyes connected and for a few moments it felt like we were the only two in the whole club. He had been working out more and his arms were huge and inviting, I glided across the dance floor as cool as I could and pretended to literally bump into him and much to my surprise his chest had gotten bigger as well. We exchanged pleasantries and he whispered in my ear “I want to fuck you so bad right here on the dance floor” We began to dance and I could feel his hard on pressing into me as we grinded against each other I had never felt so hot in my entire life. He put his arms around me and pulled me in closer to his chest. We danced together his big arms enveloping me, making me feel like I was home.
After what felt like hours on the dance floor we headed into the bar for fresh drinks and as he sculled his shot of vodka he grabbed me and kissed me deeply, then came those arms again enveloping themselves around me and my hands ran up under his shirt and felt his six pack. He had DEFINITELY been working out and was looking like a young Hugh Jackman and that is no exaggeration. He skulled the rest of my drink and pushed me out the door into a taxi, we headed back to his place where he literally ripped my clothes off and he gave me what still stands to this day as the best sex I have ever had. After several hours had passed and we were finished he wrapped his arms around me and said “This has been really great seeing you again, I missed you” and kissed my forehead. It was official I was back in love again or so I thought “Don’t get the wrong idea I am still going to have a wife and kids I just really loved seeing you again I have missed this” and with that nestled his head into my back and fell asleep. That was the last time I ever saw him, I crept out early in the morning without a note or explanation and we never saw each other again. As I left his house an internal switch flipped on inside of me and started birthing this desire to be in a relationship. The seed was planted and I could feel it growing inside me, enveloping my insides and creating an unbreakable desire to find that one person that I am meant to be with.
It was after this time that I realised that after sowing my wild seeds it was high time I settle down (it was also around this time that I started watching Sex & The City!) Immediately I sided with Carrie Bradshaw and realised like most young gays that I was Carrie Bradshaw wanting that big love and also being a writer and hopeless romantic aided my alliance and claim to becoming the male version of Carrie Bradshaw. Much like Carrie I took an interest in the love life of my friends and took to matching them together, a gift that I am proud to say still follows me today. Much like Carrie focusing on love in my own life was hard, I have high expectations, I believe in love, I do not believe in cheating and settling for anything less is just wasting my time and this is how I treat every relationship I get into. It is working towards a life together and playing games and wanting open relationships and other guys involved is put simply wasting my time and I will no longer put up with that.
My living situation was changing and I found myself having to move back in with my mother for a short period while I looked for another house. I moved back in and I decided I would take my time and figure out my life and what I wanted. Was I really ready for a relationship? Could I stand to put up with one person for the rest of my life? This unbridled feeling within me said yes but my head was still trying to work out the finer details. As I was working through these feelings I was still connecting with new guys and yes I mean connecting, meeting up for dates, dinners, coffees, lunches anything I could get really to chat to guys and see what was out there and what I liked. After several weeks of intense dating I could not bare to stay at my parents house any longer and I had to get out. One of my close friends Cherry Jones aka Meglamania had a spare room and was needing a housemate, without hesitation I accepted and arranged to move my things. A cute little house five minutes out of the heart of the city this seemed like the perfect place to start my new journey of self discovery.