Part 5 – The Dilemma – “We realise our dilemma goes deeper than shortage of time; it is basically a problem of priorities. We confess, We have left undone those things that ought to have done; and we have done those things which we ought not to have done” – Charles E. Hummel
It was during these first couple of weeks that I met Chicago Bull a tall, smart, sexy, intelligent guy who wanted me. The first date we went out on was dinner and a drive in movie he was a perfect gentlemen and drove me home. He was best friends with Cherry Jones and it seemed like the perfect situation but the problem with that was around the same time I met another guy named Orca, he was Greek, muscular, sexy and had the hottest accent. We would go for long drives in his jeep to the beach and talk about everything on the way. When we got there he would go surfing and I would lay on the sand and watch. Then he would ride the wave in throw down his surfboard, pull me up off the sand and start making out with me with a fierce intensity it melted every part of me. He would then throw me down on his surfboard, peel his wetsuit down to his pelvis and make love to me on the sand. It was hot, it was intense and looking back I have no idea why I did not choose him.
Chicago Bull had a strange power over me, I could never quite put my finger on it. I think it was because he was so unattainable. He was really hard to tie down and to be committed. This made him ultimately more attractive to me and looking back I can see this was exactly my problem and is still a problem for many (myself included) today. We started off slow with our first couple of dates just movies, dinner, lunch then we moved onto the heavy stuff all the while Orca and I were still having out intense meet ups and I knew that someday sooner rather than later I was going to have to make a decision.
I decided to throw a third spanner into the mix and went out on a date with a new guy I had been talking to and hanging out with. We met at a sushi train restaurant (the very first one I had been to) we began talking and he was a little intense. He had bulging biceps and good looking pecks but did not seem to have a lot of substance to him. After our lunch he kept messaging me asking me to meet up but I kept declining his offers. A few days later and I sent him a message saying I would not be meeting him anymore for any more dates but was happy to be friends. The response I got was “Oh no someone like you does not break up with someone like me! Maybe one day you will lose some weight and become a better person…good luck with that.”
This was increasingly clear that he was the obvious elimination choice and with him out of the mix I was still stuck with two equally great candidates and no closer to a decision. I began to try and talk to CB about what direction we where headed in but once again he avoided the conversation like the plague. It was three months since we had started seeing each other and I organised a romantic picnic at a national park and wildlife centre the perfect getaway for the day and there would be no distractions around to steer away from the conversation that we needed to have.
We posed for pictures holding koalas and fed the kangaroos and then finally it was time for lunch. As I put out the food I began talking about the past three months and all the things we had been doing. It was at this time that I brought up the fact of what were we doing and are we now officially a couple? He ate and nodded and grunted a few times, still no clear answer. I now realised what power men can hold over me and what it does to my brain, I turned into putty in his hands. I began questioning what was wrong with me? Why did he not want to be with me? Was he thinking about being with someone else over me? All of this began swirling around in my head as I poured him a cup of hot coffee from the thermos.
That night after I got home and he said goodnight Orca called me for another drive, apparently there was a huge swell. We made it to the car park and he tonight he could not keep his hands off me, the car windows started fogging up and things were getting intense. As I was blowing him he lifted my head up, looked deep into my eyes and said “You have to make a choice, I cannot wait forever, I love you” my face dropped completely and as I stared back into them all I could see was an intense sadness and a longing to be with me that I had never seen in his eyes before. He then pushed my face back into his lap and pretended like he hadn’t said a thing. As he dropped me back at my house I got out the car and offered him a half smile and he said “Ok well I guess I will see you around, even if just on the street.” I shut the car door and headed inside straight into a shower, as the hot water washed over me I began to process everything that had just happened. The time had come to make a choice and no matter what I did someone would get hurt and I would have to live with that. Was this all my own fault for making this mess in the first place? Well we all know the answer is yes, Long story short I chose Chicago Bull and if I could go back in time I would choose Orca if I knew then what I do now. I know that Orca did not get fat, maybe I wouldn’t have either if I had chosen him.