Part 7 Discovery


Moving to the 22nd floor in an apartment is no easy feat and thankfully because of his second job he could afford removalists so we didn’t have to do a thing. We were finally in the “perfect apartment” two bedrooms, a large and spacious lounge/dining room with small verandah, two bathrooms and kitchen. The first night after everything had been moved in CB had to go to his second job for the evening. I stayed behind and began arranging the apartment, cleaning, scrubbing, unpacking, hauling myself over the heavy items just to make sure it would all be ready when he got home and we could spend the weekend relaxing together just the two of us at an attempt to establish some normality in our relationship. We spent the first few weeks doing couples things shopping for new furniture to go in the perfect place, dinners, lunches, shopping trips, wineries, spa treatments the whole being a couple thing and I must say I loved every minute of it. I had moved myself into a state of complete contentment in our relationship bubble and nothing or no-one could tell me any different. It was at this time that the reality of CB working two jobs finally took its toll on our relationship.

 

 I would work from 8am-4pm every weekday and I would immediately go from my workplace to his apartment which was 3 streets away and wait for him to get home at around 5:15pm. We would decide on a quick dinner which usually resulted in some form of take away that wasn’t doing our bodies any end of good, after a rushed meal CB would head off to his second job leaving me a thirty minute window to see his every day. I would go back to his apartment and watch tv, go shopping, catch up with friends and looking back at it now I do not know why I did not seize this opportunity and see it as a good thing. I had time to hang with my friends, to go to the movies, to have fun but for some strange reason that seems to happen to anyone in a relationship I wanted to be doing all of these things with CB. He would arrive home around 1am and I would be fast asleep, after he winded down from his job he would sleep for several hours and be back up at 7am to go to work again.

 

 Weekends were spent with him sleeping till around 1pm and then we would relax and really do nothing as he was too brain dead to do anything. Sundays were always worse with me basically writing the day off as waiting around for him to get out of bed to go and do something together. The exhaustion took its toll on him and then eventually to me and then out of nowhere things got strange, not just a little strange it was like we where this single unit and then some unknown invisible knife split us in two and without discussing or acknowledging it we started drifting apart. Fortunately for CB he felt it but me being the love sick, delusional, optimist I did not. I found myself thinking everything was fine, we are going to be together forever, this is just a phase, you know the kind of phrases we all use when we want to affirm a relationship we know deep down is clearly not working. 

 

I was spending less and less time at my own place with Cherry and am sad to say this took a toll on our friendship. This is something that I will always look back on with regret and unfortunately is something that I cannot change. Due to this I pushed and pushed CB to let me move in but was re-buffed every step of the way. I took this as a bad sign and this was the start of my relationship tree beginning to wither. I began to pull away and began spending more time at my house and with CB advising me that he needed some space to work things out I thought this would be good for us, a chance to re-ignite the relationship and take it to the next level. Surely he would take some time and agree that coming home to me everyday would be the best thing he could possibly imagine.

 

 

After a few weeks of some space some cosmic switch in my head flipped and my tree began to blossom, I told myself it was fine, he was over it now, we would be great now we just had some time to ourselves and we can just jump back in to it. So once again I found myself ceremoniously devoted to his empty apartment every night after work and on the weekends and in my mind everything was perfect. That all changed one summer afternoon I had finished work early on a half day and went back to his apartment to clean for him and cook a nice dinner. My phone rang, it was Cherry with the phone call that no-one wants to give or receive, the words you never want to hear “Honey he is cheating on you” I dropped the phone in pure shock, cheating? On me? What? “He was at the Myer Centre the other day and fucked some random in the stalls, I know it’s true because his car is in my backyard with his name on the license plates, the random is a friend of mine and he came over and we got talking and he told me about it. He told me exactly what he was wearing yesterday, do you remember what he was wearing?” I couldn’t breathe, Cherry to her credit sent re-enforcements to pick me up. I dropped the phone and screamed as loud as I could. My whole entire being slumped to the floor and I began weeping on the carpet, I grabbed my reached for my phone and typed an sms to CB “I know about the Myer centre CHEATER!” Three seconds later my phone rang, “What do you want? What the fuck is wrong with you?” I screamed into the phone. “I found a gaydar profile that said you where in Newcastle!” he yelled back into the phone “I know you are moving back there and leaving me” my whole insides shattered, my old Gaydar profile that I used when I was living in Newcastle. “I don’t use it anymore you idiot! Why didn’t you talk to me about it” I yelled back into the phone “I thought that you where going to just up and leave me!” the reply was desperate and a big part of me did not believe it. “I’m coming there now, don’t leave!” he yelled and hung up the phone in my ear. As quickly as I could I grabbed all of my belongings and met my friends car downstairs before CB could make it home. 

 

As I slid into the backseat my friend Dan and a stranger sitting next to him were attempting to console me, I have no recollection of what they said or even what I said I was in such a daze. When we got back to Cherry’s house I realised who the stranger was “It is true that I did with him in the Myer centre toilets. I am so sorry I didn’t know” he said to me with genuine remorse. This is not the 1960’s where it is frowned upon to be gay, you can walk down the street and hold hands, you can safely date and be open about who you are, we do not have to resort to dirty toilet stalls in public places to have sex. I know some people are ashamed but please at least one person out of the both of you will have a bed and going to a private place is really the ONLY place to be having sex in. 

 

Now that I have finished my rant about sex in public places (I hope George Michael isn’t reading this!) the next part is “I didn’t know” was left open as if to say “I didn’t know he had a husband” something that I had so longer for and was pushing so hard to be but was completely denied of having from this man that I thought was my future. This is the part where the relationship went haywire. Cherry told me to leave him and looking back now I wish I had taken that advice and ran with it, keep in mind that this was also a few days before my birthday. I was due to have a party at Cherry’s house and was set for a fabulous night and after this earth shattering event my brain went into complete meltdown. I spent the afternoon crying in my bed text messages were sent back and forth between CB and I trying to figure out “where it all went wrong” He called me several times and we spent hours crying and talking and at the end of the afternoon I felt as if I was completely devoid of all emotion and I was completely empty. He made promises about loving me and wanting to spend the rest of his life with me, something that was too little too late, at any other point prior to this in our relationship this would have been music to my ears. 

 

I stuck to my guns and shrugged off every promise he made convincing myself that this was the end and I would have to go back to being single and starting over. As my mind started to comprehend and understand exactly what I had just decided CB came in with all guns a blazing with “Please just move in with me, I want to live with you” the words I had been waiting for so long to hear. After much not so subtle hinting and questioning it was finally going to happen. “Ok” I blurted out, I didn’t even think about it twice or run it past a friend (Something you should ALWAYS do to get some real world perspective) He had to go to his second job for the night and he wanted me in his apartment when he got home so we could discuss a moving day. I gave my notice to Cherry and had to also break the news that I would be moving my party to the apartment as well, part of his condition of his funding the event. It had happened, this was the exact point that I became a relationship sellout. The kind of person to this day that I despise and when people around me do it I get so frustrated and infuriated as I can see the destruction and devastation ahead but they are too blind and ignorant to do anything about it or listen to reason. 

 

Let me go further into what I mean by this the “relationship sellout” is someone that I am sure we all know in some way or other. They get into a relationship, ditch their friends, upcoming events, blow off dinners and regular outings to be with their new partner. Then things start to go sour so they catch up with you a lot more and spend the whole time whining about the state of their relationship and what an asshole the guy is and how completely wrong you both are for each other. As a friend you are obligated to sip your coffee and agree with every word they are saying and be there as a supporting friend. This is generally pretty easy to do especially after a period of feeling like this new person has ripped away your friend from spending time with you. After you have this supportive session and the couple decide to stay together your friend then has to hold another session to inform you of their decision (which is usually a while later as they have to pluck up the courage and figure out how to justify all of this to you) and you have to listen to the rhyme and reasoning of why they broke up, why it wasn’t working and how it was all a misunderstanding or completely their fault with lines like “He really isn’t a bad guy, he is just misunderstood” or going the whole extreme of “You never really have made an effort to get to know him, I think if you do you will see what I see in him” the only reality of this situation is that you know a couple of months (or weeks in some cases) you will be having the same supportive conversation and going around the same loops over and over again until you either crack or the relationship self implodes by its own destructive nature.

 

Nevertheless this is exactly where my head was at this point I had no idea the impact that my decisions had on my friends and what in turn this would do to my relationship with them. In most of the cases the friendships dwindled and fortunately I can say after the relationship ended and time moved us all on those friendships have reignited and things are generally back to how they where. This is not to say though that this will happen to you, some people just can’t take it and never forgive and forget so it is best to not put anyone in this situation at all if you can help it.

 

The party was awkward Cherry was miffed for obvious reasons and a trouble making party guest from my work was trying to tell me that Cherry ruined the party by perving on the straight boys and making them feel uncomfortable (in Cherrys defense they where extremely good looking) and this resulted in a major fight between myself and Cherry and I moved out the next week. On the relationship side of things though CB was being extremely attentive to me making sure I was happy and things were actually beginning to look good. The trouble started when we tried to start having sex again, as much as I tried I could not get the image of the randoms face out of my head everytime we started going at it and this resulted in some performance issues. This is an extremely hard thing to get past especially when dealing with problems like ours and as the weeks went on things started sinking back into the old ways and habits and then a few weeks after that bitter and resentment enveloped my tree, spewing forth its poison and I found myself day by day regretting my decision and began planning a way out. I could not trust him, I could not believe a word he said and I did not want to live a life of not being able to. Fortunately one of my best friends Karen had a place 3 streets away and her housemate was moving out so I prepared myself to up and move out while Bull was at work to save the promises and excuses that would no doubt come. 

 

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One thought on “Part 7 Discovery

  1. There ought to be some bible for bad relationships that lists this kind of thing, it seems to crop up in the blogging world and outside it again and again – I had one too and I wish I’d known it for what it was. Big hugs!

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