Part 8 – Moving on and moving back It was all organised Cherry and her new boyfriend would pick me up with a trailer and pickup my new lounge and take it to my new place, then we would go to CB’s apartment where we would have 5 hours to move my stuff into my new place. As I picked up the new lounge from a work colleague I breathed in the fresh crisp night air and prepared myself for my new life. Single, living in the city with my best friend! Who needs a man? As I got out of the elevator at CB’s apartment with Karen in tow preparing for a swift in and out move I unlocked the front door and there he was sitting on the lounge. I was pushing a trolley in the front door, there was no way out of this one, no quick story to spin like “Hey I bought us a new couch! Surprise!” I looked into his eyes and simply said “This isn’t working and you know it” Karen backed out of the front door and extended her hand to mine and squeezed it. He began begging and pleading with me not to go, sprouting that we just needed more time to let things settle and see where it went. I knew I had to go and so I did, I moved my things out and then headed to Ikea for a massive furniture shop (the first of many!) for a brand new start. Over the next few days we had minimal contact, he was desperate to try and work this out and I stuck to my guns. Living with my best friend was everything I wanted it to be and more! We would spend our days working and then our nights going out for dinner, sipping margaritas while watching re-runs of Sex & The City and talking about how great we where and life was at that very moment in time. We were maintaining minimal contact he was still desperate to try and work this out. A few times I agreed to meet up and talk about things face to face and each time seeing the complete sadness and emptiness in his eyes almost tempted me to go back. One afternoon I headed over to say hi to his cat, a beautiful russian blue who I adored and CB’s mother was sitting on the lounge. As I scooped up the cat and held her to my chest she stood up to greet me and said “What are you doing? You guys belong together! We love the both of you and think you should just sort things out and move back in together” Now just to give you a bit of history about this woman she was one of those Aussie women that you don’t mess with. She was dry, sharp as a tack and didn’t take any crap from no-one. I had never seen her emit such emotion before and this was the start of the destruction of the shield I had placed around my emotions. We had a long talk about everything and after two weeks of living successfully as a single man my brain turned into mush again and I found myself moving back into his apartment. CB decided that we needed to get out of town for a few days and sort everything out and suggested Sydney. Of course! Coming back to my home turf would make everything better, Once again my delusions of our future where filling my head with complete nonsense and I was quite content to let them consume my entire being without question or consideration to what they had done to me in the past. As we discussed the details of how, when and why we decided why wait and jumped on the next plane that we could and headed to Sydney. As we touched down and headed to our hotel in North Sydney I breathed in the fresh polluted air and felt at home again, we crossed the Sydney Harbour bridge in a taxi and pulled up to the hotel and headed to our room. We got through the door and dropped our bags and suitcases, CB pushed me onto the bed and spent the rest of the afternoon making love and ordering champagne and strawberries. Our room was fully loaded with a gorgeous view of the Sydney Harbour bridge and Luna Park. After our fifth shower we decided to go for dinner downstairs at the hotel, we began getting dressed and the lust kicked in again and once again the clothes where off, it was clear that all we could do was to order room service and just enjoy each other while it lasted. The next morning after an amazing breakfast in bed we decided it was time to explore the city and I could show him all of my favourite spots and restaurants. Morning coffee at Starbucks in George Street, Lunch right on the Harbour at Pontoon with jugs of Red Bull & Vodka, the Aquarium a place that always makes me feel better about myself, the amazing ferry ride from the city to the Zoo and spending the day with nature’s finest creations, warm nights at Luna Park stuffing ourselves with pluto pups (Dagwood Dogs to those from other states) and puking from the flashing lights and insane rides. After three amazing days of intense pleasure and reconnection I felt closer to CB than I ever had before and he apparently felt the same. The night before we were due to leave CB took me to dinner to this amazing restaurant right on the water and we had the most exquisite and expensive food. Everything was decidant and perfect after the main course he reached into his pocket and pulled out a ring box and snapped it open presenting me with a silver ring. It was perfectly shaped with just the right amount of sparkle, it was truly beautiful and the sweetest thing anyone had ever given me. My eyes filled with tears as he slid it on my middle finger and said “This is so in the future when you are yelling at me and giving me the finger you will remember that I will always love you and care about you no matter what” I sat back in complete shock with no idea what to do next, it was the first and only time I have been completely speechless in my entire life. After an all nighter the sun finally started rising and we had to start getting ready for our early flight back to Adelaide. We left the hotel room and in the taxi on the way back to the airport I was staring out the window with my hand in his smiling and feeling completely content and happy with my decision to get back together. I was convinced this was the right thing to do and I knew we would be ok. Our plane touched back down in Adelaide and as we walked through the terminal and to the car all of a sudden everything came flooding back to me, our constant problems, the nagging feeling that he would never be faithful again and we wouldn’t make it and I was wasting my life away. I decided to push them down and forget about them for now. Upon arriving back to our small apartment we realised that it was exactly that, small and jam packed with so many bad memories we both realised that it was time to find something bigger. We discussed areas we wanted to live and spent the next few weekends looking for as many places as we could, both being fussy queens this was a long and exhausting procedure. In the meantime I decided to hold a party and invite a bunch of people from my work that I didn’t know that well at an attempt to make some new friends and fortunately the response was great and it was here that I met one of my best friends (and still is to this day!) Kirsty, she became so instrumental in my life and will always remain to this day! It was over a meal of vietnamese food and Will & Grace that we bonded. We had the same love of movies and were both in love with rnb music, we are both gifted with the same sick sense of humour that made us click instantly. The best thing about working with your best friend is that you get to see them every day at work and then on the weekends, we spent a lot of nights at the movies, dinners, drinks, driving out in adelaide with the old school 90’s rnb music pumping from the car as we heckled hot guys and sang to strangers from the car it was the most fun I think I have ever had with another person. Two months of house hunting and we finally found the perfect house next to a train station in a suburb close to the city called Black Forest. It always reminded me of the cake and I just love a two word suburb (weird don’t ask me why!) My loyal friends spent all night helping us move the plethora of furniture that we astonishingly managed to fit into our small two bedroom apartment in the city yet somehow managed to fill a three bedroom house in the suburbs. After an all night moving session we were finally moving out of the inner city and into suburbia ready to start fresh and have a house together. Planning a house together is never easy especially when you have so much baggage coming with you both physically and emotionally. After everything was un-packed and settled we spent the next two months organising the house how we wanted it. Buying little pieces of furniture to adorn the place and make it feel like “our home” distracted us from all of the feelings we had kept bottled up and refused to face. Buying whole new kitchen ware can just perpetuate you into such a state of solid bliss I spent the two months learning how to cook things. After discovering through some hilarious mishaps that I could not bake cakes or anything like that to save my life I focused on cooking meals, by that I mean stews, salads, savouries, pizzas, home made ice cream, deserts not involving baking stuffed with that much sugar and butter just thinking about is making me feel nautilus. I was burying all of my problems, all of my worries and fears into food and it rewarded me with an amazing feeling inside. This would be something that I would struggle with an hold onto right up until this day. It still has a strange hold over my life, just the comfort of a well cooked meal, stuffing your face and making your insides feel satisfied was enough to keep me running back to this time and time again and would eventually result in the loss of any willpower that I had when it came to food or how to eat. Along with food I began to realise my love for stories, I always had a love for books and for stories but it was during this time that this intensified and I found myself eating, reading and watching as many movies and television shows as I could possibly inhale when I wasn’t working. This also decreased the level of exercise which saw me go from a size 34 to a size 42 in the space of two years of our relationship. It happened so quickly but so slowly, I did not even recognise it happening until it was too late and I felt happy and secure in my relationship I had no desire to do anything about it. My friend Karen always went away for the majority of the summer, she would leave early November and come back around February or March and after a long and teary goodbye it felt like no time at all that she was back and ready to party. The good news was that the house she moved back into wasn’t working and she needed somewhere to stay so after filling our guest room with an amazing bed and decorations I extended the invitation for her to live with us for a while until she got back on her feet. I realised that this was the best option for us to have a house guest and some company for me at night time. Karen arrived early one morning and I will never forget her face when I opened the front door. She looked at me and my gut with a smile and look of disbelief, she had never seen me look so big and I could hardly blame her. Karen and I were inseparable literally she would drive me to work in the mornings and meet me for lunch most days, then she would pick me up after and we would go out for dinner, or to movies, or for a walk (most of which she encouraged for obvious reasons) and I began to feel myself slipping away from CB again. He would get insanely jealous on the weekend when he would sleep till midday and Karen and I would get up like normal people around 7-8am and go out into the city and do things for the day. This lifted the surface of the protective blanket that we had convinced ourselves was working and fixing our problems with us not having to talk about anything. The demand for sex increased and I found myself looking at myself in those horrible mirrored wardrobes that should be made illegal and losing my urge everytime we started. CB insisted that I looked great and to his credit it was the one thing he was good at doing, complimenting and talking himself out of awkward situations. All of this came tumbling apart when Christmas happened, as you may remember I was not speaking to my mum or family and my brother called me on christmas day to tell me that mum’s current husband had moved out on christmas eve and left her and the house. My insides failed, it had been so long since we had spoken and I did not know how I was going to react to this. This woman had shunned me, she had kicked me out of her home because of her ignorant religious blindness. Should I really be expected to go back and talk to her just because of this? After a day of soul searching and deciding to be the bigger person (in all senses of the word) I made the hardest phone call of my life. I called my mother, wished her a merry christmas and listened to her story. As we reconnected it felt like no time had passed at all, I realised that this would be something that would never be discussed or talked about and I would just have to accept that was how it had to be.