Marley & Me


Getting a puppy does not solve relationship problems, it creates more and makes it harder to leave.

 

After finally settling into the new house we hinted with each other about the idea of bringing another member into the family and since we both possessed a penis we had to move to a different species to expand our family unit. We started small with a fish tank in the kitchen, small, square and quaint it was the perfect addition to our home. We would spend weekends looking for more exotic and beautiful fish to add to the tank and clean it out, feed them and re-arrange the tank to both of our desires. 

 

After a few weeks went by we were in a pet store and saw the most beautiful labrador puppies jumping around in a playpen. We both looked at each other and could see exactly what we were thinking, casually we strolled over to the playpen and the puppies charged at our sides almost destroying the barrier. The shop assistant came over and asked if we would like to look at the puppies, as we both stepped into the playpen CB said “It can’t hurt just to have a look and touch them right” I nodded in agreement. As my leg hurled over the fence I was instantly attacked by beautiful chocolate blurs of cuteness that were gasping for my attention. They were all so stunning, yapping, biting and just generally being extremely adorable bundles of fluff I crouched down to pat a few of them closer to the ground I noticed one of the puppies was hanging back and just watching us. She just sat there with her head cocked to the side staring at us curiously as if processing exactly what we were and how she should react to us.

 

After the other puppies lost interest when they discovered we had come with no food she slowly walked forward and put her paw up on my knee and looked into my eyes. It was from that very moment I knew that this bitch was meant for me. The big, adorning brown eyes, the chocolate fur, the incredibly irresistibly cute grin and tail was just too much. I had to have her, she did the same to Bull and with an agreed look we left the pet store with the new puppy nuzzled in my arms exhausted after her meet and greet. 

 

Filling the car with various chew toys, food, dog bowls, beds and accessories we headed home to show our new family member her new home. Little did I know this cute and quiet bundle of joy would be neither cute or quiet for very long, I know most of you would have seen Marley & Me or read the book, but this puppy I swear must have been from the same litter. She only knew how to behave herself for the first couple of days and then the madness sunk in and she was nuts for the rest of her life. 

 

That night we took the puppy to visit Cherry Jones as she was also a lover of animals, at that stage CB had wanted to name her “Cadbury” I thought this was completely ridiculous and had already settled upon “Dior” the perfect name, for the perfect dog. As Cherry rolled around in the grass with the new puppy she agreed that the best name was “Dior” and so she was christened that night. 

 

We spent the next 4 months distracted from any problems involving the two of us as there was always a third around wanting more attention and love than the both of us combined could possibly offer. Not only was Dior the most disobedient puppy I have ever met but she was quite positively un-trainable. All day while we where at work she would lounge about in her half clam shell pool lolling around in the water, splashing her tail on the water surface spraying herself to keep cool, even in the winter this strange dog had a weird thing about water. I later realised after a fair amount of research that labradors are adorned in Alaska and are adept to dealing with the cold temperatures and have a thing for water. One night I was sitting down to dinner when Dior came thundering through the house completely drenched, as I dragged her by the collar to the front door to let her out I closed the fly screen door and it suddenly hit me, how did she get so wet? As I followed the incriminating wet paw prints through the house I got to the back room and it was completely flooded, water was spewing forth all over the ground in a giant soapy mess. My eyes followed the stream to the source of the leak, the hose in the washing machine lying there, ripped open with teeth marks all around them. That little bitch! As I bolted across the room to turn off the taps I looked out the back window and saw Dior slowly skulking around the corner with her head and tail dropped. She was still incredibly cute and there was no way I could stay angry with an adorable face like that. I started mopping up the floor and called CB at work to re-tell the story of the nights thrilling events I continued mopping and Dior came in the back door, lay on her back and started rolling around mimicking my action of the mop. It was the funniest and cutest thing I had ever seen, as I crouched to the ground she pulled herself along the ground to me and licked my face in appreciation of my smile. 

 

Dior also had a big of a shoe fetish, I lost so many shoes to that dog you could not leave them anywhere, no shoe, insole or lace was safe with Dior on the watch. It was like she saw them as mortal enemies that must be first paralysed then attacked and ripped to pieces with no mercy. Another one of her “tricks” was the shower invasion, just living the two of us we would never close the bathroom door when we showered, this all changed the moment Dior found out where the source of the big shower was. Every day she would come charging into the shower and throw you into complete shock it was just easier to let her stay in there until she was over it and would push herself through the shower curtain and curl up on the bath mat. After a few months of this CB started to lose interest in the dog and went back to being his usual in decisive self and began questioning where I was going, who I was going with, when I would be home. I didn’t have anything to hide but with a beautiful puppy and so much world to show her I couldn’t be kept at home. I spent weekends and nights taking Dior to the beach, walking along the jetty making many new friends as she jumped all over anyone that would give her more than two seconds of attention. Dior became my new partner and we were completely in-separable. 

 

A few weeks later CB and I were barely speaking and I decided that after listening to Dior whine and whine at our window it would probably just make more sense if she slept in our bedroom with us, that way I wouldn’t have to sleep alone before CB came home and I could actually get some sleep without being constantly nagged by a needy pup. Objecting to this idea I went ahead and did it anyway, it is not as if he was home to stop me so on I went sleeping with my Dior in bed, a mistake that I would soon come to learn. The first couple of nights were spent constantly fighting as she would lick my nose until I pushed her away, then she would push her way under the doonah and crawl down to my feet and start licking those, after a swift kick she would make her way back up the doonah and attack the nose again. This went on and on and on for several nights and after nearly collapsing at work due to sleep deprivation I finally agreed that she would need to sleep on the floor in the bedroom and would be punished if she jumped on the bed after I drifted off to sleep. 

 

Dogs are extremely intelligent creatures and this one knew exactly when I was asleep and that if she jumped up on CB’s side of the bed didn’t lick or attack me she could nuzzle her way in and stay there until CB got home where he would either kick her out of the bed or just resolve to the fact that he didn’t have a chance in hell of getting in between us and would sleep in the spare room or on the couch. This started becoming a big issue when the nights that CB and I would sleep together went from 7 nights a week to 5, then down to  3, then 2 then eventually we agreed that for Dior’s well being we would sleep separately until she was through this phase and then we would re-connect. 

Being a labrador Dior took this as a sign that she was entitled to sleep in the bed with me and nothing or nobody was going to change that. She became extremely protective of me, everytime CB and I had a fight she was always in my corner, curled up against me ready to jump to my defense if needed. We bonded in such a way that noone or nothing could come between us. As she grew at an alarming rate her exercise level had to pick up and we would spend our afternoons going for walks/jogs through the local footy field to try and run off all the excess energy she seemed to accumulate. 

 

Christmas time rolled around again and we had a beautifully high hedge along the back of our yard, we decided to adorn it with lights to make the backyard look festive. As we finished this and went out to get more lights we where gone for no more than 15 minutes and when we came pulled the car into the driveway the hedge was dark, we had left the lights turned on and plugged in but all we could see were a few lights twinkling on the ground. As I walked through the gate I looked at Dior who was wrapped up in the lighting wire wagging her tail looking extremely pleased with herself. She looked up to me as if to say “Look Mummy (yes in this relationship I was the obvious maternal figure) I did it! I got all the bad lights and I killed them for you!” wagging her tail and following me around the backyard as I cleaned up the disaster site, the real miracle was that the lights were plugged in at the time and she had not been electrocuted, even after chewing through the glass bulbs. 

 

I stayed outside with her that night as she vomited up flecks of glass and dirt patting her stomach and cuddling her tightly it became clear to me that I was pushing my man CB out of my life and only looking after Dior. I filled her water bowl and went inside, closing the door and sat on the couch next to CB. I looked at him in the eyes and said “I am so sorry I just love that dog so much” he pulled me in close to him and started kissing me, something we hadn’t done for a long time. We spent all night having sex on the couch and as the sun began to rise we dragged ourselves to bed and spent the day sleeping and having as much sex as we possibly could. It is probably important to note here that Dior became extremely jealous after this one day of solidarity and turned her back on for me for several days and was all over C.B. Just like human beings dogs have feelings and they can be hurt and feel rejected just like all of us. 

 

CB and I began showering together again after this day as a form of re-connection and to have some alone time just the two of us every day without fail. We talked about everything in those shower times, bills, grocery lists, cooking, meals, Dior, families, work venting and gossip. That was until Dior cleverly figured out that the bathroom door didn’t actually latch and close properly and with the right amount of force she could push the door open and crash our private showers, god forbid we would leave her out of the most fun activity for the day. As she got bigger all we could do was surrender to her shower attacks and let her have her fun, it always made us laugh and smile and in a way bought us back together. 

 

 

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5 thoughts on “Marley & Me

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