Part 11 – A New Year, A New Me


Anyone who knows me personally knows that I love throwing a party, during this time of my life I was obsessed with them! Using any chance I could to get as many different people together as I could into one place, amazing food, great music and company for an unforgettable night is my idea of a good time. So much better than going to a crowded club with strangers and crappy remixes that you cannot stand. No other night except for New Years Eve called for a bigger, more fabulous party and this year was no exception. As I reflected on the year that had been there had been an intense amount of drama, tears and regrets. We had moved house, gained an adorable dog, I bought a car with the intentions of getting a license, I had made some friends again and stepped outside our relationship to find them, but most of all I could feel myself getting my confidence back.

 

We decided to celebrate this and because Dior doesn’t respond well to fireworks we had a party at home. I invited my friends, CB invited his and the night was set. My best friend Kirsty who had become my absolute rock during all of this was there of course and after a long day of planning, setting up, cleaning and cooking it was finally the night before the big party and I was feeling at the end of my limit. The day before CB and I were shopping in town in the Myer Centre and I had to use the restroom, not thinking twice about this he was instantly suspicious and as I took off to the bathroom it did not even register in my brain why he was acting like this. After I returned he was surly and selfish, a sure sign that he was pissed and did not want to talk about any of it. As I settled with the fact that this was going to be his mood for the next few days and that there was absolutely no point of trying to convince him that I simply had to pee and I am able to go into a public restroom without inserting my penis into someone else the gloves where clearly off.

 

This mood continued for the rest of the day and into the next few and so now it was New Years Eve’s eve and nothing had changed. I had invited Kirsty over to help me cook and know that she would actually get me through this ordeal without losing it. As we slaved away in the kitchen talking and mixing, chattering and combining, marinating ribs and chicken wingettes CB was quite happy to sit on the lounge and not offer any help or care about what was happening. As he came into the kitchen to get a drink he commented on one of my cakes and the fact that I did not use self raising flour. “It is a flourless cake that’s why” I yammered back. His face screwed up and he turned around to walk away and I threw it at the wall and said “Fine then I will go and get some flour and make another one! Happy?” I yanked Kirsty’s arm and pulled her out the front door and we made our way to the shops. We talked in the car for a bit and I started laughing, how stupid was I? Doing all this for a man? Was I for real? Eventually she calmed me down and we headed to Baskn & Robbins and then to the beach with Dior in tow ready to give her a walk and harass any small child she could possibly pounce on and lick (Dior not Kirsty!)

 

Walking along the jetty staring out at the ocean I started to miss home a lot, the beautiful beaches in Newcastle where just stunning and this place seemed pale in comparison. I really wanted to go back there and just sit on the beach and cry for a week with a bottle of Vodka in one hand and a blanket in the other. Curled up in full fetus position, rocking back and forth the whole nine yards. I longed for the crunch of the salty sea air, the crunch of the yellow sand and the feeling of home. Any chance of that had disappeared, I felt no love, I felt no home, I felt no warmth. It had all just fell out from under me and I was once again left feeling helpless and alone. Thinking about all of this while making shallow conversation with Kirsty I realised that my life was not as bad as my melodramatic mind had made it out to be. I had a man that loved me, yes he had his faults but deep down he loved me, I had friends, I had a beautiful dog (and fish!), a great job and my family was talking to me again. Putting that all into perspective what did I have to complain about?

 

Heading back to the house with 2 bags of self raising flour I was ready to tackle the cake and my new found perspective on life. Kirsty went home after the cakes where set and once again found myself in the d&m stage with CB. Talking about our past, talking about “the incident” and if we trusted each other. It was all just the same crap over and over and over again. Trying to take the positive side I rebuffed his negativity and finally got a smile and hug out of him before I collapsed into bed preparing myself for the still tons of things I had to do for tomorrow’s party.

 

The night was finally here, we had Singstar set up (yes! this is back in the day where a Singstar party was cool, well we thought it was cool!) we had music playing, the food was cooking beautifully and finally the guests started arriving. It was a muggy and sweaty NYE and we had enough ice to make several igloos but people still came. I drifted between greeting new guests and the kitchen all night making sure everyone was attended to properly and the food was coming out at appropriate intervals. Through all of this I realised that Kirsty and I had hardly spoken that night and tensions where beginning to rise between us. As I was pulling a double batch of ribs out of the oven around 11:30pm Kirsty and I finally came to blows. We had never fought before and she was just as fiesty, if not more so than I was and due to her intoxification level could not drive home so instead she stormed off to the train station next door.

 

I served the ribs to the guests and excused myself, I headed to the train station preparing myself to find out just what the problem was and what we needed to do to mend it. We sat on the station for what felt like minutes talking about our friendship and my relationship and I then knew everything was ok when we began to talk about music again and what we where doing for the rest of the week, it was here at this sleepy train station in Adelaide that I discovered the true value of friendship. Boyfriends may come and go, but friendship is for life. Friendship is your salvation! Do not ditch your friends when you get into a relationship and get “whipped” it will come back to bite you in the ass and you could end up losing some really great friends along the way.

 

As we headed back to the house oblivious to the fact that it was now 1am Bull was inside red in the face and fuming. “You know they say how you spend midnight on new years eve is how you spend the rest of the year? Well I was alone” I just looked at him but didn’t have the strength or effort to explain. I had my friend back and in my mind that was all that mattered. After all of the cooking, decorating, cleaning, crying there was literally nothing left inside me to offer CB about what had happened. He pushed past me and got in his car and sped off. I saw Kirsty and some other overnight guests to bed and grabbed Dior and pulled her up on the bed with me and nestled in for the night. I lay there stroking her soft fur getting a lick on the hand for every 4 or so pats I began to cry, not sob just a small couple of tears. I tried to get back to my mentality from the night before about how lucky I was, I had it all and I didn’t want to be part of it anymore. I had ample opportunities to walk away from this for good and I had resisted every one of them, surely I had some feeling about this relationship and wanted to stay.

 

I eventually drifted off to sleep and CB did not come to bed that night. I awoke in the morning to a whiff of dog breath and a tongue bath from Dior ecstatic that she had spent the whole night with me and wasn’t kicked out. I opened the door to let her out and smelt bacon and eggs and heard conversation and laughter. I jumped in the shower while Dior was distracted with the need for water and relievement when CB opened the door and said “Breakfast will be ready in about 10 minutes ok? Love you” and closed the door. My knees gave way and I dropped to the bathroom floor and I distinctly remember saying out loud “What the fuck?” As I sat there in pure astonishment thinking about what he had just said over and over while the water was pouring over me the tears started again, but this time they where not of relief, they where not of sadness but of finality. I was not just drained from the party, I was drained from the last two years we had spent together. Yes I was lucky I had amazing friends, a dog (and fish!) and my family where talking to me again why did I need to stay in this relationship? We are both not happy, we are wasting each other’s time I should just move on and be done with it then?

 

I got out the shower, dressed and came out into the kitchen where my friends where all sitting around the dining room table, CB had made bacon, eggs, toasts, omelets, a fruit salad and fresh coffee for me and our guests. I sat down next to Kirsty and began to eat and we talking only to each other. I could feel CB’s eyes on me the whole time but I devout my attention only to Kirsty and it felt like for a time that we where the only two people there. It was the beginning of the end and this was my breakfast toast to a new year and a new me!

 

Our guests had sobered up enough to drive shortly before lunch so we began the cleanup, telling each other what had happened the night before with intervals of Dior attacking the garbage bags convinced we where hiding food or some great toy from her, CB walked over to me and kissed me on the forehead and said “I am sorry I was such a jerk about it I just really missed you last night, I felt like I didn’t see you at all” I smiled and said “That’s ok it was a stressful night” and finished cleaning the garage. The whole time I still held the feeling that this relationship was over, it was beyond repair. What we had was not able to be fixed, we were broken into so many pieces we could never be put back together. I was done trying to pretend that this was something that it was not.

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