14 – A dog divided

It was from here that I resumed my single life again, although I found myself longing for CB night after night. Everything was becoming increasingly hard to deal with and although we lived apart we still talked to each other every day. What was I meant to do? As all these questions swirled through my head like a wave of doubt, I had to deal with things the only way I knew how. That’s right! You guessed it! We got back together!

We decided that the rental was a waste of money and he had just been given a new promotion working in Sydney fill time. After talking about it for a few weeks we decided that I should move in with his parents (seriously? I know! Stop laughing!) The last day of the lease arrived and Dior and I packed ourselves up and moved to the parental residence of CB. It wasn’t too bad, we had our own seperate area in a granny flat in the backyard. With CB being in Sydney for work a lot we only saw each other on weekend when either one of us would fly back and forth (thanks Optus for the miles!)

We had hotel stays in North Sydney where we would literally spend hours just having sex and eating. Several months of this back and forth and both of us broke and had come to our limit of eating out and traveling interstate trying to make this thing work. One night I was on the couch in Adelaide mid week while CB was on his work shift in Sydney, I was watching Ugly Betty to help me get through missing him when he called me. Drunk off his ass he said “I just got propositioned by one of the hottest guys I have ever seen, like amazingly hot and I turned him down for you, because I love you so much.” It was the most gut wrenching that I had ever heard in my life. At the time I was blown away by his rawness, his honesty, his sweetness. This was a side to CB I had never seen before and I liked it .

Unfortunately this was short lived as these where not his intentions. Turns out he had slept with the guy, several times in fact and this guy would go on to be his new boyfriend after we FINALLY split up for good (yes we did! I can hear your sigh of relief!) This “perfect guy” was six foot, dark hair, dark eyes, thin as a rake, extremely flamboyant and over the top, the complete opposite of me…well maybe not the complete opposite….He was a drug dealer who specialized in speed and ice. From the moment I met him I did not trust him, a little voice inside me knew that this man was not to be trusted, that he was potentially dangerous and would say or do whatever he could for himself. Seriously why did I not think that he would not be the perfect boyfriend for CB?

One night I was laying in bed with Dior next to me when I heard a banging on the window outside and some yelling. I nearly jumped out of my skin, Dior whimpered and jumped down and hid under the bed. Great! Some dog you are! I heard yelling and screaming as some teenagers proceeded to spray paint the side of the granny flat before running away. I got out of bed and managed to convince Dior that everything was ok and she slowly crawled out and once she realised everything was ok, her tail started wagging again and she bounded back onto the bed, assuming her position by my side. I called CB and told him what happened and started crying as I was re-telling him what had just happened. He asked me why I was crying, and with that out came the floodgates. “I hate that I only see you two days out of the week, I hate that you are having such a great time in Sydney without me and I am stuck here in your parents house by myself. I can’t stand that it seems like you don’t give a crap about my feelings or what is happening with me, it is just all about you and your god damn promotion and fucking job!” All of these statements just poured from my mouth with no way to take them back. I continued to sob after I had finished my verbal implosion and as my sobbing and gasping eased he sighed and said “Our entire relationship has been about you, your feelings, your getting past the cheating, your job, your happiness, your life, your future. It has been your time for the last three years and guess what? Now it is my time! I know this is a hard concept for someone as selfish as you to grasp but it is, you are going to have to find a way to deal with it because I am not going to be able to come home at weekends anymore as I have been offered a full time role here and I said yes.” It took my brain to process what he had just told me in stages. He thought I was selfish? He thought I didn’t care about him? He accepted the promotion and is permanently staying in Sydney?

It took a while but as all of this finally sunk in I slumped against the wall and slid to the floor with a “oooohhhhhhh” Silence for a few minutes as we both waited for the other to start talking and to make sense of what needed to be discussed and talked about next. We spent the rest of the night going over the finer details, how could this work? what could we afford? Where was he going to live? Where was I going to live? What about Dior? What would I do in Sydney?

It was a lot to consider and some things had to be noted. I was loving my job and felt like I was actually going somewhere, I wasn’t going to just up and leave because he wanted me to. I had made some amazing friends and they had become a stable part of my life so I wasn’t ready to move on, to leave the friendships behind that where just starting to become close. I loved Dior with all my heart and could not bare the thought of living without her, having her in the bed next to me was a comfort and a necessity for me to make it through without going crazy.

CB still had a month left in the hotel before the company would stop paying for him and he needed to find a rental fast. Due to our constant travels our resources where quite depleted and we had to make a lot of cuts to get a bond together and find somewhere half decent for him to live. Two weeks later he found a share house in Chatswood living with a gay couple. One was a lawyer, the other a nurse, both had expensive taste and where two of the most rudest and snobbish people I have ever encountered.

Seemingly happy we agreed that I would stay at his parents so we could pour our money into getting all his stuff sent over and setting up in a new state. Being so distracted by this we never actually had the discussion of when I was going to move over and how that was going to work. We had discussed my current situation and how I was feeling about everything and I was happy to stay in Adelaide and continue my life and career path.

Most of his clothes, dvds and possessions that he needed had been sent and he finally moved in. The granny flat felt empty and lonely without him, I would spend my nights watching tv shows and playing with Dior on the couch while he was working in Sydney and the time we could actually spend talking decreased dramatically. One night I awoke at 2am and ran to the toilet and threw up, I emptied my insides into the toilet bowl completely alone. Sitting on the cold tiled bathroom floor crying with nobody there to hear me or care. I sent a text message to CB to see if he was still working late but no reply.

As I sat there on the floor considering everything that had happened in the last few months and the direction that I wanted to have for my life I realised how unhappy I was. I did not want to live in a crappy one room for everything granny flat. I wanted a house or apartment where I could have stuff and separate rooms, I didn’t want to leave an hour away from the city and from work. The commute was making me tired and grouchy and it was starting to affect my work as well.

The next day I called CB and talked about how everything was working, or in my perspective wasn’t. We looked at everything from all angles trying to figure out a possible way for this to work. There was none, no way we could be together and maintain our relationship in two different states, I had no desire or will to move there and he was definitely not coming back to Adelaide as he felt he had “outgrown it” and moved on to bigger and better things.

Finally some resolve, we decided to end things amicably, not because we hated each other, or because one person had done something horrible, or because we didn’t trust each other, it was just not physically, emotionally or mentally possible for us to continue this relationship. Neither of us cried about it, we agreed to remain friends as we thought we always would and for the next few days nothing really changed. We still called and messaged each other all day, gave updates on every little thing that was happening. Laughed at mutual friends neuroses and at the end of every phone call he would still ask me “When are you coming to Sydney to be with me? I can’t do this without you!” Each time I would sigh and say “The big city has nothing for me babe, I have everything I need right here, well except for you of course, but we can’t always get everything that we want.”

A week after that I found the perfect house close to the city. It was in Norwood which is a 5 minute walk to the city centre and was a beautiful old house. Complete with pot belly stove, roman style bath and beautiful backyard and entertaining area I was finally going to be able to move. The only problem was I could not bring Dior with me. As I pondered every angle to try and get around this, hounding the real estate with pleas, contacting the owner directly with my story to try and appeal to his good nature but they where all rebuffed and we had to make a decision about the future of my best friend.

CB flew back the day after I moved into my new house so we could find a place for Dior and someone to sell my little car to. Three of my friends Kayleigh, Myf and Joshua lived close to the city and as it turns out where looking for a dog. We introduced them to Dior and immediately Josh fell in love with her. We arranged that the next day we would bring her and her belongings over and would relinquish ownership to Josh and Kayleigh. I spent the night at CB’s parents house just giving Dior every bit of attention I could. Playing with her, patting her, crying every so often into her beautiful fur as I had done many times before but this time it was because I wouldn’t be able to see her every day. I wouldn’t be able to see her as a fully grown dog. To be part of her life anymore and this tore my heart into millions of pieces.

The next day we put her in the car and all of her belongings. As we drove into the city I kept looking back at her and crying, the crying turned into sobbing which evolved into blubbering. We arrived at Josh and Kayleigh’s house and I could not get out of the car. CB had to hold me and soothe me into normal, fighting back tears of his own he took Dior out of the car and brought her around to the passenger side door. She jumped up and put her paws on the window as she always did and licked my face. I grabbed and cried “My baby, my sweet, sweet baby girl. I am so sorry that I have to do this. I love you so much, thank you for being there for me, for showing me friendship and real love. I am so sorry that we adopted you and could not fulfill our promise to take care of you. Be happy and I sincerely hope one day I will get to see you again. I love you girl.” As I finished and returned to my crying Josh and CB emptied the car and Kayleigh came out to comfort me.

After Dior had got settled and we agreed that I could visit her whenever I wanted to CB drove me back to my new house and was going to stay the night before heading to the airport for a 6am flight. A buyer was coming to pick up my car in the morning so that was one less thing to worry about as well. We spent the night catching up, reminiscing over the crazy things Dior had done when she was a puppy, going over the crazy rollercoaster that was our relationship and what our lives where like now. We got into bed and like two priests repressing their sexuality for many years we had sex. Earth shattering, back breaking, shipped off to Iraq for ten years sex that literally lasted all night. We could not keep our hands, tongues or lips off each other. It was as if the fountain of a new relationship had sprung forth and was bursting us with new feelings of love and trust for each other. Morning finally came and we both had a bath, now when I say it was a roman style bath it was built into the ground and was so deep you could nearly swim in it. The two of us lay in the warm water smiling and fondling each other affectionately in a way we had not experienced before. CB got dressed as the taxi honked impatiently out the front to take him to the airport. One final explosive kiss and he was gone. No confessions of eternal love, no promises to make it work again, it was just incredibly amazing sex and that is what it was.


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