Last week as I drove home from Canberra after spending the most amazing few days out of my normal routine I listened to one of my favourite books on tape or e-books as young people call them now “Eat Pray Love” it is a book that I have read (and listened to) over and over on so many occasions and every time I experience it I come away with a new message or different aspiration about my life.
For the last 12 months I had my own blog titled Eat Pray Love Challenge which involved my attempt at finding balance without actually being able to leave the same geographic location. It was a lot and it took so much out of me that I found I was losing who I was in this vain and vapid attempt to find meaning in my own life.
My least favourite part of the book is usually the “Pray” chapter, in it Liz Gilbert finds herself living and worshipping at an ashram in India, a notion that I cannot wrap my head around. Meditating, being silent, blocking all communication out and just being in one place for 4 months to focus on finding “God” and yourself, the supposed key to happiness.
As my audiobook reached this part I was tempted to skip forward to the part of the story in Bali with exotic food and finding love, but I stuck it out, and for the first time realised just how key this whole part of the book was and why I did not achieve my original goal. I lost sight of the goal so many times and turned my attention onto less important things. Quite an easy thing to do when you live in a materialistic and selfish society, full of wealth and pleasures that we take for granted everyday.
The part that stuck me the most where the words “Be careful what you wish for because you just might get it” Previously I always assumed these words to the Pussycat Dolls song “When I Grow Up” and never really though too much about it. That was until last night…
As I arrived back in Newcastle from my long Canberra drive I did a drive around the beach just drinking in the beauty (and the warmth!) longing for it to be summer again, a season when I feel more like myself than any other time of year. I prayed to the universe for happiness, I literally said these words “I want my happiness to spew forth from me!”
Last night I was at a friends house drinking (of course!) it has been sometime since I have consumed a whole bottle of Absolut and the whole time I was still saying to the universe “That happiness could come along anytime now you hear? I am still waiting, starting to get impatient! I want to be so happy that it just bubbles up and overflows and shoots from my mouth, I do not want to be able to contain it!”
We left the house and proceeded to the pub where we would be spending the night having fun, singing trashy karaoke songs, dancing on the sticky and seedy dance floor and having a good time together. The universe however had different plans for me and my previous wishes. I was on the dance floor busting out to “Where Have You Been” by Rihanna and continuing my mantra “I want to be happy, I want to be happy, I want my happiness to spew forth from within me, I want to be a fountain of happiness!”
As I finished these words I felt something jolt inside me, I ran through the pokies room and out the front door and slid to the concrete pavement and sat and listened. Two minutes later I spewed, I mean literally spewed, it was just pouring out of me, I had no control over it. Call me crazy but this is not what I had in mind when I said I wanted it to spew out of me. My friend rushed outside and helped me home where I continued to spew forth, on the road, in the bushes in his front yard, it was a constant stream.
Thinking back to the part in the book and my words I was once again reminded be careful what you wish for because you just might get it. I now understand the power and complexity of these words and while I do believe that the bottle of vodka did its part, this was a not so subtle way for the universe to tell me, you are already happy, you do not have to keep searching for something that is already inside you.
I went back to the chapter in the book and re-read the part about happiness and wishes, when I read about Richard from Texas who had wished for an open heart and literally had his chest ripped open and had open heart surgery. The thought that this had happened to someone else was such a comfort and relief, knowing that I do not need to rely on anyone or anything to give me happiness. This does not mean that I can stop taking my anti-depressants but it does mean that I will be halving my dosage for the time being and seeing where that takes me.