CB flew out to Sydney and I stayed behind in Adelaide with no regrets. I was living right on the edge of the cbd of the city and everything was finally falling into place. I had an amazing job working with my friends, some of my best friends where looking after Dior so I had several trips out there every week to visit my beloved pooch whilst we consumed a lot of alcohol. It started out just casual drinking and then after a few weeks the lonliness struck and the party boy inside me was re-ignited.
CB and I started talking less and less, the emails at work decreased, the sms and constant phone calls with updates to our day diminished to practically nothing and I found myself sinking into a deep, dark hole of depression. Everywhere I went in the city reminded me of him, going to the markets on a Saturday morning for fresh produce and meat, eating at our favourite thai restaurant in Port Adelaide by myself, going to the movies with friends and missing having a hand to hold or someone to snuggle into. It all began to pile up and I had no idea how to deal with it.
It was then that I turned to my friends wine, vodka, champagne and pretty much anything with an alcohol content that I could use to drown away the pain and memory of CB. We still had mutual friends so I was provided with updates about what he was doing and more importantly and most unnecessary, who he was doing. “He has started a whole new life in Sydney doll, and you should do the same here!” a friend told me over coffee one morning, agreeing to accompany me on one of my sad lonely market trips on a cold and frosty morning. “And you should do the same! You are haunting the city like the ghost of boyfriends past! Get back out there, go out on the weekends! Let’s hit the clubs, go out, meet new people, move beyond what you had and push forward into something new and amazing that I know you can have!” I swilled the chocolate of my mocha around the bottom of my mug and smiled “Yeah I guess I should probably start doing something” I replied and made for the bus stop to wait for the whole 5 minute bus ride home (extremely lazy, but extremely necessary when you have bags of groceries!)
After a week of thinking about that conversation and my plans for the future I decided to contact one of my old friends St Kane, a no holds barred, out there friend who was sure to pull me out of my rut and get me back in the game. We agreed to meet out and have a few drinks and after we got past the awkwardness of our no talking due to my suffocating relationship it was like no time had passed at all. I was laughing and having fun again, a side of me that I had not seen in years! I didn’t care about CB anymore, I barely even had a spare sober brain cell to dedicate to wondering what he was doing or who he was with. I consumed myself in my work and with friends and partying that I was simply too busy to care about anything else.
Kirsty and I where as close as ever, seeing each other several times a week for dinners, movies, occasionally she would come out clubbing with me, we would go to concerts, do our drive’s while listening to old school rnb songs from the 90’s, and through it all I actually felt complete and that I did not need anything more that what I had.
After a month of being in my new place I decided to throw a housewarming party and invite all the friends that I had made as well as some old ones and see how everyone mixed together. A few days prior to the party I suffered my first stage of “not being hungry” for three days I couldn’t eat and I didn’t want to. The night of the party fast arrived and Kayleigh, Myf and Josh joined me for dinner before the party. Not realising how famished I was I stuffed myself with so much food it was extremely alarming that I was able to keep it down. A few hours later the guests had arrived and the party was in full swing. St Kane arrived with 5 bottles of vodka, that is right, 5 bottles of different flavoured Absolut and demanded that I drink a cocktail containing all 5 of them mixed together with some cranberry juice. I think it was the combination of not eating, then gorging myself, then inhaling 4 that’s right 4 of these cocktails in the space of an hour and a half things turned sour quickly. I sat down on the couch and the room started spinning, I was so dizzy and I had no control over my body. “Oh my god he is turning green!” one of my friends yelled, quick as a flash Kirsty grabbed a saucepan from the hanging rack and dived to push it into my hands as wave after wave of vomit erupted from my mouth. It was a good half hour vomit which spilled over into three different saucepans before I could be moved into the bathroom for cleaning up.
Thankfully I had friends who loved and supported me and dedicated the next few hours to cleaning up the vomit that I hadn’t been able to get into the saucepan off the rug and assisting me to my bed and making sure I was alright. Faithful to their label of being party animals after I had passed out they all went out to the clubs and had a good night. I awoke the next day with text messages advising me of the amazing night they had and I was glad that I could provide such solid entertainment. This was the night that the patch up temporary band aid I had put over my wound of my last relationship started peeling away and the pus started oozing out into my life.
Partying was a lot of fun and I made some great friends so a month went by and the weather started getting warmer, the season was shifting to spring time and I felt it was symbolic of my emotional state to celebrate this and the best way to do that would be to hold another party. Titled “Spring Fling” (I know horrible name but it was the best I could come up with at the time) I invited the same guests and thankfully this time the next took a different turn. I continued my regime of eating properly and thankfully was prepared to rebuff cocktail offers from St Kane and stick to drinks that I prepared myself. I know my limits, unlike St Kane who pretty much had none, and this is why I admired him so.
At the party my friends from work and friends from the club started clashing a bit, St Kane has a big mouth and is the constant centre of attention no matter where she goes. She is loud, in charge and hands down one of the funniest people I have ever met. Her offensive rants leave no-one safe and often as a result can cause some tension and not being comfortable that put a lot of people off. Contrary to this I found the honesty and frankness refreshing and a part of my new single philosophy on life.
The party ended and I went to bed that night a little buzzed and thinking about everything that had happened in the last three years over and over in my head. In the last month I had casual encounters with a couple of guys but nothing more that just the once, and nothing with the potential of lasting beyond that. Besides I was in no way emotionally or mentally ready to handle anything more than just sex right now, or so I thought. I lay in bed mourning the loss of my relationship and pronouncing to myself that this was the start of my new life. I was ready for another relationship, I wanted someone to start a life with, someone to come home to, to go to movies with, to eat with, to laugh with, it is what I needed.
I decided as a result of this to attempt online dating. I setup a profile that was somewhere between complete easy slut and needy relationship seeker and started getting a lot of hits. I would spend hours talking to guys on my laptop, some would result in the exchange of phone numbers which would then evolve into long text wars which if went well, long phone conversations and then eventually meeting up in real life. This only happened with two guys. The first guys name was Jesse, he was from Texas and had moved here a few years ago with his family. He was a singer and guitar player and had the southern accent that caused me to melt whenever we would spend hours and hours on the phone. He lived in the country about an hours drive away, and due to my still lack of license it was not an easy situation. Nevertheless we still continue to talk on the phone, texting each other all day and I felt a connection and bond starting to grow. He kept promising to come into the city on the weekends in his spare time but something would always come up. A recording session he had to attend, Talking with his good friend Le-Anne Rhimes on the phone (apparently they where besties? I am still skeptical about this detail) or getting called into work. After a month of this I grew tired and started to realise that this would never work, I did not want to move out of the city for the sake of a relationship and I would have to change my job and circle of friends and I wasn’t ready to do that just yet. We had another talk and agreed to remain just friends and that was how it would be.
A few further weeks went by and I struck up a similar chain of events with another guy. This one lived in the city (close to me!), we had similar taste in music, he was incredibly funny and was extremely sexy. It only took three days of talking on the phone and texting before we finally met. He agreed to come to the house and I would cook dinner for him after work. I set the table italian style with a red and white checkered plastic table cloth like you see in badly cliched Italian set movie scenes, I cooked my famous (by definition!) spaghetti with meatballs, freshly baked garlic bread and red wine. He arrived just as I was finishing up getting ready and when I answered the door I was impressed. He was just the perfect kind of guy I was looking for. A killer smile, broad shoulders, well proportioned and very, very, VERY funny.
As we ate our food we talked about everything, our pasts, what we hoped for the future, music, movies, travel, politics, our families, it was truly one of the most intense and incredible conversations I had ever had with someone. Dinner was over and we decided to watch a dvd. I had a new raunchy gay tv show called “Dante’s Cove” we sat down on the couch with a small distance between us and as the on screen same sex vampires started having sex he placed his hand on the cushion separating us on the couch, leaned in and pulled me into a long and deep kiss. It felt like it went on for hours, sparks where flying, as I moved my body closer to his, we turned off the dvd and went into my bedroom. “You know what I have always wanted to do with a guy” he said as he peeled my t shirt off. Oh god here it comes, everything has been perfect so far so here comes the big flaw I was waiting for! “This!” he said, and with that he pushed me onto the bed and blew raspberries on my stomach forcing me into fits of loud, ear shattering laughter and squeals. After a couple of minutes he stopped, gave me a cheeky grin and went down on me. It was the most incredible, silly, mind blowing sex I had ever had.
After a few hours he left to go home as he had an early start and we promised to keep in touch and see where things went. The next day I called Jesse to tell him about the incredible night I had just had and before I could get started he told me about his new boyfriend. I listened politely, adding verbal nods where I could to try and show interest but my mind was still spinning after the night I had just had. I started to tell Jesse about my night, after I got through the details about dinner, going into intricate, yet unnecessary detail about what I had cooked we finally got down to the good stuff. I told him about how he had been helping a friend through a tuff time whose mum was in hospital dying of cancer. “Oh that’s bizaare my mum is in hospital with cancer” Jesse said, his voice laced with suspicion. “Yeah apparently he goes out there a few nights a week to cook for him and make sure he is ok, he sounds like such a sweet guy! I really hope this goes somewhere!” I replied. “What time was he there last night?” Jesse asked. “He didn’t get here till 8pm, he was running late because he was out at his friends house” I replied. “Why?” I clearly wasn’t putting two and two together. “I think you had a date with my boyfriend last night! Was his name Taylor?” My stomach sank as soon he said those words “Umm maybe?” I replied. No this couldn’t be right, we had a connection, we had mind-blowing sex, we had talked for hours, surely this couldn’t be right at all. “You had a date last night with my boyfriend!” Jesse yelled as he slammed down the phone.
After trying to call Jesse back for sometime I sent Taylor a text message out of courtesy to let him know what had happened and to warn him about the impending doom that was surely going to await his return to Jesse’s house. Taylor called me immediately after I had sent the message “He isn’t my boyfriend, he is deluded, he thinks we are but we are not, we are just friends I promise!” I hung up the phone and decided to let them work it out and I needed to cool off for a few days.
Jesse finally started talking to me again and I had told him what Taylor had said on the phone call. He already knew and Taylor had told me that they where indeed now dating and he was sorry, he had just been confused about the status of their relationship. I was completely gutted, how could someone I have so much in common with slip away after one unforgettable night? It was now that I did something that I would then regret, even to this day I only look back on what I did with shame and regret. I pulled out my phone and sent Taylor a text message “I know you are in a relationship with Jesse and I get that, but I have strong feelings for you, we have a connection, you cannot deny it and I just wanted to say that if you ever wanted to go out on a date or just a quick fuck I am here.”
A few days later I got a response “I will be at your house at 6pm tonight, DON’T TELL JESSE” emphasized in capital letters. He came over and again we had amazing sex, that was just as good, if not better than the time before. He got up to leave and as he stood at my bedroom door he said “This can never happen again, I am dating Jesse and that is who I need to be with. I am sorry I just had a moment of weakness, please don’t tell him and please don’t message me again” he walked out the door before I had a chance to respond. I felt sick about what I had done and a few hours later I called and told Jesse my part of it and what had transpired earlier that evening. He was furious with me but grateful that I had told him. Our friendship as I knew it was over and we never spoke again after this conversation, honestly I could not blame him.