Meditation f%^&ing sucks!

True to my word I decided to start daily meditation, it began one night as I had the house to myself and agreed that it would be the perfect time to start.. My room was all setup ready to go, Tibetan prayer flags slung across my window, all electronic devices off and out of reach. I sat on my brown and prickly carpet and attempted to close my mind off.  I immediately began thinking empty your mind, empty your mind, empty your mind, over and over and over.

A few seconds later my mind spoke back to me “Come on now, it shouldn’t be that hard to empty your mind…really? come on, there is not really that much to think about. I wonder how many people have done this before and thought the same, like really think about numbers, it would have to be in the millions right? or maybe over a billion? is that even possible?

Stop it! Clear your mind, come on just clear it! I fought back my own thoughts and once again attempted silence.

“I wonder how many hits out websites got today? Hopefully it will be more than yesterday, based on that new content we put up”


Ok so obviously this wasn’t working. I decided to take myself out of the bedroom and try to get more relaxed so I ran a bath. Using the “good” bubble bath bar I just purchased from Lush, I lit half a dozen candles and slipped into the bath.

I focused on my breathing, in and out, feeling the steam drenching into my pores I finally got 1.25 seconds of silence in my head when it came at me again.

“Wow! this bath smells amazing, it smells like cotton candy, with a hint of lavender. But not too much lavender, just enough to make it calming…yes…I feel calm, I feel relaxed now. I wonder if the markets are on tomorrow? I should message Zoee and find out. I could really go a epanyata or maybe that beautiful chicken and chilli jam breakfast wrap, that is always nice, unless it is really hot..but then I could wear shorts and a tshirt and it wouldnt be that hot and I could eat it right?”

Ok this was seriously becoming a problem. How was I going to do this?? I have way too many thing zooming around in my head. While I agree that this is a large part of the problem I am having what am I meant to do to move forward?

I tried again the next few nights in a row and the same thing happened again and again. I had no idea what to do and I decided that I would message my indian friend to see if he knew of any meditation centres that can help guide you through. I didn’t just want any meditation place, I wanted somewhere that would incorporate spirituality into the practise and hopefully through a supportive environment I could move past this mind mess and actually get somewhere with this.

A few days later I received an sms confirming that there was in fact a Kundalini Yoga centre not too far from me that would be a great place to start, and he would also come with me as a support and for himself as well.

So the plan is to start next week, going a few times a week and see what comes of it. I will be throwing all of myself into this and hoping for some clarity and with the incorporation of a better diet and regular exercise I am hoping to get both my mind and body back on track.

And to answer the question in my comment about the new name, Valhalla is a city in the DC comic book universe, it is a place where tired, worn down heroes come to recharge, to find themselves, gather their strength and head back into the world fighting fit.

I found this suited me and my situation perfectly and was the best way to describe my current state and things are heading.


Part 5 : The Dilemma

Part 5 – The Dilemma – “We realise our dilemma goes deeper than shortage of time; it is basically a problem of priorities. We confess, We have left undone those things that ought to have done; and we have done those things which we ought not to have done”  – Charles E. Hummel

It was during these first couple of weeks that I met Chicago Bull a tall, smart, sexy, intelligent guy who wanted me. The first date we went out on was dinner and a drive in movie he was a perfect gentlemen and drove me home. He was best friends with Cherry Jones and it seemed like the perfect situation but the problem with that was around the same time I met another guy named Orca, he was Greek, muscular, sexy and had the hottest accent. We would go for long drives in his jeep to the beach and talk about everything on the way. When we got there he would go surfing and I would lay on the sand and watch. Then he would ride the wave in throw down his surfboard, pull me up off the sand and start making out with me with a fierce intensity it melted every part of me. He would then throw me down on his surfboard, peel his wetsuit down to his pelvis and make love to me on the sand. It was hot, it was intense and looking back I have no idea why I did not choose him.

Chicago Bull had a strange power over me, I could never quite put my finger on it. I think it was because he was so unattainable. He was really hard to tie down and to be committed. This made him ultimately more attractive to me and looking back I can see this was exactly my problem and is still a problem for many (myself included) today. We started off slow with our first couple of dates just movies, dinner, lunch then we moved onto the heavy stuff all the while Orca and I were still having out intense meet ups and I knew that someday sooner rather than later I was going to have to make a decision.

I decided to throw a third spanner into the mix and went out on a date with a new guy I had been talking to and hanging out with. We met at a sushi train restaurant (the very first one I had been to) we began talking and he was a little intense. He had bulging biceps and good looking pecks but did not seem to have a lot of substance to him. After our lunch he kept messaging me asking me to meet up but I kept declining his offers. A few days later and I sent him a message saying I would not be meeting him anymore for any more dates but was happy to be friends. The response I got was “Oh no someone like you does not break up with someone like me! Maybe one day you will lose some weight and become a better person…good luck with that.”

This was increasingly clear that he was the obvious elimination choice and with him out of the mix I was still stuck with two equally great candidates and no closer to a decision. I began to try and talk to CB about what direction we where headed in but once again he avoided the conversation like the plague. It was three months since we had started seeing each other and I organised a romantic picnic at a national park and wildlife centre the perfect getaway for the day and there would be no distractions around to steer away from the conversation that we needed to have.

We posed for pictures holding koalas and fed the kangaroos and then finally it was time for lunch. As I put out the food I began talking about the past three months and all the things we had been doing. It was at this time that I brought up the fact of what were we doing and  are we now officially a couple? He ate and nodded and grunted a few times, still no clear answer. I now realised what power men can hold over me and what it does to my brain, I turned into putty in his hands. I began questioning what was wrong with me? Why did he not want to be with me? Was he thinking about being with someone else over me? All of this began swirling around in my head as I poured him a cup of hot coffee from the thermos.

That night after I got home and he said goodnight Orca called me for another drive, apparently there was a huge swell. We made it to the car park and he tonight he could not keep his hands off me, the car windows started fogging up and things were getting intense. As I was blowing him he lifted my head up, looked deep into my eyes and said “You have to make a choice, I cannot wait forever, I love you” my face dropped completely and as I stared back into them all I could see was an intense sadness and a longing to be with me that I had never seen in his eyes before. He then pushed my face back into his lap and pretended like he hadn’t said a thing. As he dropped me back at my house I got out the car and offered him a half smile and he said “Ok well I guess I will see you around, even if just on the street.” I shut the car door and headed inside straight into a shower, as the hot water washed over me I began to process everything that had just happened. The time had come to make a choice and no matter what I did someone would get hurt and I would have to live with that. Was this all my own fault for making this mess in the first place? Well we all know the answer is yes, Long story short I chose Chicago Bull and if I could go back in time I would choose Orca if I knew then what I do now. I know that Orca did not get fat, maybe I wouldn’t have either if I had chosen him.


Initiating Slut Mode All Space Cadets On Dick!

Past Part Three – Initiating Slut Mode All Space Cadets On Dick!

The house was old, VERY old, the paint was peeling from the weatherboards on the front verandah. The railing only went half way around and went on a slant to the ground, I definitely had down-graded. The carpet in the hallway had been there since the 1970s and not replaced since then either and from the level of dust and dog hair that formed the top layer it possibly could have been that long since it was cleaned. Still I had to start somewhere so here I was with a couple of bags that resembled my possessions. I slept on a mattress on the floor that belonged to my new housemate. A burly girl who resembled a giantess with two crooked buck teeth, both her arms covered in thick black hair with a mustache and leg hair to match. My days where spent looking for work, going to interview after interview and being generally depressed for the first few weeks after the realization that my relationship was over and would never be patched up. He wanted to remain “friends” and we did try but it was just too painful. I was completely crushed and could not believe that it was over.

The second week I was in my new house I got connected to the internet and decided some stalking was in order. I created a fake gaydar profile with some fake photos randomly downloaded and immediately hit on Tic Tac and after general chit chat began quizzing him about his “ex” Let me stop right here and say this is the WORST thing you can ever do both to your ex and to yourself. The first answer I got was “It just didn’t really work out so we went our separate ways” Not satisfied with this answer I pressed the issue further “Oh ok but seriously was it a bad break up?” my fake profile responded “No it just didn’t work out and that was that” The conversation then turned to when we would be meeting up. After I set a time and place I deleted the profile and felt a slight bit of remorse, was this huge break up just in my head? Had I pushed the issue and built up this big drama and reason in my head as to why we were now separate or had I just lost a lot more than just my boyfriend in the last few months.

As I began to think the realization came that I had lost my family, a fair few friends and my boyfriend. My entire world as I knew it had crumbled down and I had no supports to keep me stable. This was the first time that I had me and only me to rely on. I cannot stress the fear that this situation fills you with the first time you are in it. After a few weeks of living by myself some sort of natural instincts kicked in and I became self reliant. It is not something you can just do, it is self-taught and once you learn it you are set for life. I would take myself out all the time, exploring the city and its surroundings by myself and not needing anyone with me, in addition to having no money I managed to go out every Friday and Saturday night to a little pub called The Ed, it was 1 out of 2 gay venues in the local area. It was fabulous, it was the first place I ever saw a drag show and loved it. My first experience with a drag queen was Meglamania who still remains to this day one of the funniest people I know. Along with her bestie Kane St Kane together they welcomed me into the local community and to their social circles. I met their friends, their ex’s and acquaintances and I slept with them all, this was no mean feat and definitely something that at the time was a personal challenge that I fulfilled quite easily.

With my two night weekly visits I rapidly became the town bike. I am unashamed to say that I would have 2 -3 men over each Friday and Saturday night for mind numbing, blow and go sex with no intention of settling down. I wasn’t too picky I slept with bikers, lawyers, doctors, artists, football players (some high profile but of course have to remain nameless.) A few of them were drunk pick ups and looking back were not as pretty as I thought they were through my drunken haze. My only rule was that they never stay the night, most guys I found were ok with this but one in particular travelled an hour and a half to get to me insisted on staying the night. We had sex several times and he was incredibly talented with his tongue but as soon as it was over I wanted him out. It was a complete disconnection of emotion and any sense of human compassion. At the time this felt like the most rational way to deal with my pain, looking back I see just how much this would have hurt and the absolute rudeness of it.  Whilst this may make me sound like a ginormous slut it was amazing. I had never felt so liberated and wanted in my whole life. Men wanted me not for me but for my body. This sounds incredibly vain and shallow on paper but I had pain and I needed a way to release it. This was what the movies, songs, tv shows and media were talking about wasn’t it? This was how life was meant to be and it was meant to feel amazing.

It was at this house that I met Malcolm and Jarrod who lived across the road as mentioned in my first chapter. They became my first official gay friends and we would spend endless nights in their lounge room drinking coffee, smoking and laughing. After several nights of this it led me to meeting one of their friends Big M. One of the first oddest relationships I have ever had. The first night he took Malcolm and myself on a “haunted tour” of Adelaide, showing us all the haunted places the city and suburbs had to offer. We stayed out all night and the tour was actually quite scary, which ended up with me all over him of course at the end of the night. We started dating but never slept together, not through lack of my trying. It was an odd relationship, the whole time I felt like he was sleeping with Malcolm as he seemed to connect with him more than me but I guess that is something I will never know.

Big M and I lasted about a month before I returned to my slutty ways and moved it to a new location The Hampshire of Hampy as it is known to the locals was a younger crowd. The pick ups were not that great, one night I started talking to this guy named Peter, he was straight apparently and just liked the feeling of being with another guy but was not looking for commitment as he wanted a wife and kids one day. Naturally this was the perfect fit for my current slutty state and we slept together several times. The boy looked good and was incredibly gifted with his hands. He was a mechanic and he was incredible! One night I was belting out a karaoke hit and he just stared at me the whole time I sang. Our eyes kept connecting and something inside me clicked, it was like my slut switch burned out and I had this incredible desire to have a relationship. This is the exact point that my life started turning and the new person seeking and craving a relationship emerged, so Pete if you are reading this you are to blame! Thank you very much!

Happy New Year

So it is that time after the hustle and bustle of Christmas, the time for the parents to get out there and party, New Years Eve. After a string of bad new years eve house parties and disappointments I am doing something completely the opposite this year. I am spending NYE with some close friends for a lovely quiet dinner and then getting up early and going to the beach for first sunrise with croissants and alcohol free champagne. By that I mean the champagne has no alcohol in it, not free alcohol, I am tired of living my life in a drunken, hungover haze going from weekend to weekend with more booze and more hangovers and just doing the same thing over and over. I am so tired of it and the toll it is taking on my body and affecting other areas of my life. 2012 is my year of no alcohol, one of my friends did it in 2011 and she was a bigger booze hound than what I ever was and she survived and is fitter and feels all the more better for it both physically and mentally. I will not be looking down on people who do drink in 2012 or lecturing on the effects of binge drinking because both you and I already know what they are and the dangers that come with it.

In addition to this blog I have also joined the “Hello Sunday Morning” community. Started by an Australian who bravely did a year sober and blogged about it and has now started his own website and support community for people who want to do the same. It is an amazing thing and I am excited to have a support network that understand my goals and will be able to read testimonials.

My friend Ryan wrote an extremely insightful post about New Years Resolutions and how no-one ever sticks to them and they come off as kind of a game but that is it in the end. In 2012 he has set SMART goals to achieve what he wants, in November last year I decided to start this challenge and while there have been patches of getting off the track I find myself still going on with this challenge and realising that I have learnt so much in just one year and will continue to do the same in 2012.

Wherever you are tonight and whatever you are doing I really do hope and pray that you have a great one, a fun one surrounded by friends and family. It has been an amazing 2011 full of challenges and obstacles but I am looking forward to 2012 and what hope and significance the change of a year can bring.