It was a brand new year and I decided that it was going to be a brand new me to go with it. We resumed our usual pattern of fight after fight after fight. It became an endless cycle of frustration and I wasn’t sure of how much more I could take. My mental state began diminishing and I sank into a deep depression, every night he was at work and I went to bed alone I felt like I would not wake up. He began sleeping on the couch more and more and I had resided to the fact that this was the end and there was nothing I could do to stop it.
After I had resided to the fact that this was finally it I called my mother who had moved back to Newcastle and announced that I would be moving back to Newcastle and would need somewhere to stay while I sorted myself out with a new job and life. After I hung up the phone I drafted my resignation to my work and emailed it through to my boss. There was no way I could get out of the two week notice period so all I had to do was keep my brave face on for two weeks and get through it. I could not tell anyone where I was going, just that I was resigning from work and only those who where not connected to CB where kept in the loop. We maintained our Saturday night honey bbq lamb chops with mashed potato while watching Most Haunted. I would act scared so he would hold me (a weird thing he actually loved, I guess it made him feel like a man?).
That week CB decided that a solution to leaving me at home alone would to get someone else in as a housemate for the spare room out the back, a small boxy room with no air-conditioning that was barely considered liveable. Regardless of this the guy was straight, had an odd skin condition that left the bathroom reeking of tar and was just downright weird. We tried to all live together but it was odd being stuck in the house with a stranger at night and one who was not entirely social. This just escalated the issues and didn’t help anything. Fortunately he started to get a life and went out some nights and I was left alone. This gave me time to take inventory and make sure I knew where everything was while being careful not to move anything or make it look obvious that I was moving stuff around.
It was finally approaching, the day I was going to leave. I had everything planned, Kirsty would pick me up with another friend on Thursday night and we would pack their cars full of my stuff, I would stay at a work colleagues house on the Thursday and Friday night and get ready to fly home on the Saturday. CB didn’t know her or where she leaved so there was no chance he could find me. I was saying goodbye to everyone at work, got everything prepared to leave and never look back. It was what I had to do to survive, to pull myself out of this cycle and the only way I knew how to do it was to put distance between us.
The night was finally here, CB left for work as per usual and I as I said goodbye no feelings of love or regret where in my head. I was happy to be leaving and was so sure that he had no inkling that he would never see me again. Fortunately for me our new housemate had just got a job at a bar and was not at home either. I spent the next hour frantically packing everything I could possibly fit into my suitcases bequeathing the majority of my possessions to CB, I was just happy to be out of there.
Shortly after I had finished Kirsty arrived and we packed the cars full of whatever I could possibly fit. It was time, as I said my last goodbye to my beautiful Dior I wept uncontrollably. I wept for the friend she had been to me while Bull wasn’t there, for loving me unconditionally and always being there no matter what, for showing me what true love was. As I kissed her fur and hugged her as tightly as I could and said my final goodbye I turned around and walked out the front door, never to look back.
The day before I had bought a new phone number and upon leaving activated it and switched my old phone off. I got to my friends house and as we got everything out the car and readied ourselves to get some dinner and spend some time before I had to leave, we discussed what I was doing and if I felt any different now that I had actually left the house. After we had firmly established that this was it, we resumed our dinner and chatting about everything else, what I wanted to do when I got back to Newcastle, what I would do for work, when I would find another boyfriend and how I would move on.
That night as I lay down to go to sleep I had the urge to check my other phone, it was 1am, he would have been home by now and realised that I wasn’t there anymore. I switched it on and messages started flooding through, no sms messages just voicemails. I dialled voicemail and was surprised to hear Cherry Jones voice asking where I was and how I was doing, knowing full well that Bull was there asking to be consoled was an absolute joke. He had been out of contact for a long time and thought Cherry knew of my plans but I had to not let her in on it to avoid this. I sms’ed Cherry and assured her I was ok and that I was moving back home. Cherry drives a hard bargain and convinced me to meet up with CB the next day after my last day of work, I had to decline as I had a big night out planned. I agreed to Saturday morning, I wasn’t due to fly out till the afternoon. I got through my last day of work slowly and painfully, convinced I would miss everyone terribly and after I said goodbye headed into town to have dinner with friends and then hit the Adelaide club scene for one last farewell.
The next day after I got up and re-packed all of my stuff to decide what I could actually take and what I would get my friends to send up to me later it was finally time for me to meet with CB. We met in the city and he picked me up as he couldn’t park the car. I got into the car and was attacked from behind as Dior struggled to clamber her way into the front seat and into my lap. The bastard brought the dog! As I fought off Dior’s eager tongue and pushed her into the back seat my heart ached for my beautiful dog I knew I still had to go, my life and future would be at stake if I stayed.
We went to the beach and got some ice cream and went for a walk along the jetty with Dior in tow, talking about what my plans where and what was going to happen from here I still felt nothing and was happy to leave this all behind me (with the exception of Dior!). We walked back to the car and he dropped me back to my friends house. I went to get out the car with one huge hug to Dior, he asked if he could come to the airport later to say goodbye, to this I agreed. I knew it would be hard but it may give him closure and he could hopefully move on.
An emergency trip to the shops to buy some scales to weigh all my suitcases and calculate how much extra I would have to pay ($400 to be exact!) I finally passed through the gateway and into the departure lounge, Bull started crying hugging me so tight and whispering to me “Please don’t go, I love you so much” as he turned away and started walking I dropped to the ground. Sobbing uncontrollably I felt my heart saying “You stupid idiot! What are you doing? This mans loves you! You don’t just get on a plane and run away because you are having problems, newsflash! Everyone has problems! Start dealing with them!”
Kirsty rushed over to me and picked me up off the ground and helped me back over to my group of friends, all of whom where standing around with looks of support and strength. As I stood there listening to their chatter I drew on each of their individual strength to get me through the wait that seemed forever till I finally boarded the plane back to New South Wales.
The whole flight I was a blubbering mess, from the moment the plane took off I could not stop crying, if the poor passenger who sat next to me is reading this I do apologise profusely. I cried and cried and cried and cried some more. It was an extremely long three hour flight for everyone involved. As we landed in Sydney I got off the plane and kept crying. I went and met my suitcases, as I piled them onto the trolley and prepared myself for the three hour train trip back to Newcastle my heart started pounding. “What the fuck have I done!” is all I could think. Already my heart was physically aching for CB and I couldn’t breathe. I found myself sinking to the ground again, I turned on my phone and dialled CB. He answered “I miss you already” my heart started pounding faster, I could hear the blood pumping all through my body and I replied “I miss you too, what are you doing tonight?” I asked. “Nothing, just working in the garage on some things for the house” he replied “Want to pick me up at Adelaide airport in a couple of hours?” I said. I heard his heart skip several beats as I said this. “What? Really? Your coming back for me?” “I am coming back for US” I said. What followed was a mad rush to the Jetstar counter to organise a return flight as soon as possible, funnily enough it was the same plane I had just come over on, only this time no crying just joy, pure joy. I smiled the whole way back, my heart was still pounding like some kind of ceremonial tribute to my relationship and I knew that this was the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with. Seriously who was I kidding? You know how people say this stuff only happens in movies? Well I think I am the first who made it an actual reality.
The plane ride back was long and tedious, I felt like an eternity, like I was lost in a Shakesperian sonnett being brought back to my long lost love after an eternity of suffering.
I emerged from the airport and still can remember getting on the huge escalators descending down, CB was standing at the bottom of the escalators with flowers in one hand and the other wiping away tears. I got to the bottom of the escalators and I ran to him, there we stood embracing and kissing, he continued to wipe away tears as I did the same (seriously how gay can you get!) in the exact same spot where we had done the same thing 8 hours earlier. We agreed there would be no more running, no more sneaking out, no more avoiding anything, we would deal with our issues head on together, as a couple, as a unit and this was how it would have to be if we where going to continue our relationship.
We arrived back at the house to an over-joyed Dior who acted like she had not seen me for years. After I finally pried her off me our housemate walked out and said “Oh you’re back again?” looking me up and down. “Yep sure am” I replied with a huge grin. Safe to say that the next day he gave his two weeks notice that he would be moving out, and really can you blame him? Living with two toxic people who would rather stay together because it is easier than being apart and moving on, I don’t blame him at all and would have done the same thing in his position.
That night we spend the night talking and having incredible make up sex, earth shattering, mind blowing, why did we think we could be apart sex that we had not had for so long. We had been so disconnected from each other for so long we where definitely on our way to reconnecting and re-establishing ourselves as a couple.
I lay in his arms and we talked about the crazy week and how we could still work things out and be together. Dior was allowed to sleep in the bedroom that night and as she lay at our feet wagging her tail as she looked at us, as if giving her own seal of approval that her mummy and daddy where back together (yes I was the mummy!) I felt content, happy, that my moving out and flying back was a wake up call, a sure sign that we had to start appreciating each other and it was time to move beyond the cheating, the lies, the mis-trust and force ourselves forward into a place of commitment, love and trust. Such things are easy to think and talk about but when it comes down to it actually doing it is one of the hardest things you will ever have to do. I decided to stop thinking about where he was and what he was doing when he wasn’t with me, I could trust that he was at work, or at his parents, or out at the shops and that is all he was doing.
For the next couple of weeks I spent trying to convince my Adelaide friends that I wasn’t crazy and was still a mentally sound person. I sorted about getting my job back and negotiated having a small break to get myself together and work on my relationship and my own life to get everything back to how it was. CB and I where closer than we have ever been and it felt like we would get through this and where finally at a new place that we where destined to be.