Happy Mardi Gras-Versary


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Happy Mardi Gras Anniversary! For those that do not know Mardis Gras is a gay pride parade held every year in Oxford Street in Sydney. The last couple of years the parade has come under scrutiny for promoting sex and promiscuous lifestyle over actual gay rights. While these arguments do hold some merit, there are a couple of floats of perfect ab, slim, toned barely dressed boys waving feather boas and donning leather caps, it is not all about this.

I was fortunate enough to march in a marriage equality float a couple of years ago and you may recall my blogpost about this. It was the most invigorating and brave thing I have ever done and I will never forget it as long as I live. I do want to do it again I just need a few years to pluck up that courage again!

That being said here is the reason I am writing today, 35 years ago today, around 10pm on Saturday 24 June 1978, several hundred gays, lesbians and straight supporters – some in fancy dress and some simply rugged up against the cold – gathered at Taylor Square and followed a truck with a small music and sound system down Oxford Street to Hyde Park.

Little did those witnessing and partaking in the march know, this was to be the start of Mardi Gras, and would become a defining moment in the country’s gay rights history.

Today, 35 years later, we honour the bravery and passion of our pioneers, as we continue the journey which they began. Back at the time of the march it was all about equal rights for homosexuals, something that a lot of young people today take too much for granted.

Looking at our society now, we are fighting for equal marriage rights in this country, something that with our current prime minister seems like it will be a long time off. Is it something that we can simply request and it happens? No

It is something that we can write letters, campaigns, build our community and march for? Hell yes we can! It baffles me completely why more is not being done to further the cause. So far the only thing close to resembling this is the Rainbow Crossing movement, and I don’t think I have to explain my feelings about that fiasco.

We are living in one of the most privilged and bountiful countries on the planet and it may seem a little selfish and egotistical to fight for equal marriage rights when comparing our problems to anyone else’s, but it does stand to reason that we should do more. As homosexuals we have become stereotyped by the media, forced to become comic relief rather than strong characters in society.

Before I keep drifting off topic here I wanted to pay homage to these trailblazers, these heroes who stood up so bravely in a society of hate and intolerance. We can never understand or fathom how hard this would have been. Being openly bashed and abused by the police, the very people who we are led to believe are there to protect us still baffles my brain and I thank them from the bottom of my heart for setting a shining example.

One of the most horrific stories is that of Peter Murphy who recently did an interview with news.com.au about what happened to him that very first parade.

““They took me along a long corridor in the police station through a U-shaped route into a room and then just beat the hell out of me,” Mr Murphy told NEWS.com.au as part of our 30th anniversary Mardi Gras special.

“There were two police officers who did that – one in particular – bashing me with their fists in the head and saying ‘you’re not so smart now are you’.”

Mr Murphy said he was beaten solidly until a blow to the solar plexus floored him. He was thrown into a solitary cell where he could hear protesters gathered outside chanting his name.

“They tried to break my leg but fortunately the bones didn’t snap,” he said. “I was (literally) pissing my pants.”

I have never experienced anything like this and hope to never have to. As the brave men marched down Oxford Street and reached Darlinghurst Road where a police blockade was waiting for them and arrested 53 and were charged for being in an illegal procession, hindering police and resisting arrest.

When I marched in Mardis Gras I was not feeling threatened by the police, in fact they actually helped me when I fell over to get me off the road (teach me to try and walk in heels!)

Thank you from the bottom of my heart to Mr Murphy and all the other brave pioneers who took a chance and walked Oxford Street with their heads held high, prepared to fight for what is right. Every year I try and reflect on this day what I can do to help my community and I hope that a post like this gets shared around for others to read and do the same. No matter where you are today, if you are reading this stop for a few minutes to thank these brave soldiers who will march on forever in our hearts.

Happy 35th Anniversary!

Part 5 : The Dilemma


Part 5 – The Dilemma – “We realise our dilemma goes deeper than shortage of time; it is basically a problem of priorities. We confess, We have left undone those things that ought to have done; and we have done those things which we ought not to have done”  – Charles E. Hummel

It was during these first couple of weeks that I met Chicago Bull a tall, smart, sexy, intelligent guy who wanted me. The first date we went out on was dinner and a drive in movie he was a perfect gentlemen and drove me home. He was best friends with Cherry Jones and it seemed like the perfect situation but the problem with that was around the same time I met another guy named Orca, he was Greek, muscular, sexy and had the hottest accent. We would go for long drives in his jeep to the beach and talk about everything on the way. When we got there he would go surfing and I would lay on the sand and watch. Then he would ride the wave in throw down his surfboard, pull me up off the sand and start making out with me with a fierce intensity it melted every part of me. He would then throw me down on his surfboard, peel his wetsuit down to his pelvis and make love to me on the sand. It was hot, it was intense and looking back I have no idea why I did not choose him.

Chicago Bull had a strange power over me, I could never quite put my finger on it. I think it was because he was so unattainable. He was really hard to tie down and to be committed. This made him ultimately more attractive to me and looking back I can see this was exactly my problem and is still a problem for many (myself included) today. We started off slow with our first couple of dates just movies, dinner, lunch then we moved onto the heavy stuff all the while Orca and I were still having out intense meet ups and I knew that someday sooner rather than later I was going to have to make a decision.

I decided to throw a third spanner into the mix and went out on a date with a new guy I had been talking to and hanging out with. We met at a sushi train restaurant (the very first one I had been to) we began talking and he was a little intense. He had bulging biceps and good looking pecks but did not seem to have a lot of substance to him. After our lunch he kept messaging me asking me to meet up but I kept declining his offers. A few days later and I sent him a message saying I would not be meeting him anymore for any more dates but was happy to be friends. The response I got was “Oh no someone like you does not break up with someone like me! Maybe one day you will lose some weight and become a better person…good luck with that.”

This was increasingly clear that he was the obvious elimination choice and with him out of the mix I was still stuck with two equally great candidates and no closer to a decision. I began to try and talk to CB about what direction we where headed in but once again he avoided the conversation like the plague. It was three months since we had started seeing each other and I organised a romantic picnic at a national park and wildlife centre the perfect getaway for the day and there would be no distractions around to steer away from the conversation that we needed to have.

We posed for pictures holding koalas and fed the kangaroos and then finally it was time for lunch. As I put out the food I began talking about the past three months and all the things we had been doing. It was at this time that I brought up the fact of what were we doing and  are we now officially a couple? He ate and nodded and grunted a few times, still no clear answer. I now realised what power men can hold over me and what it does to my brain, I turned into putty in his hands. I began questioning what was wrong with me? Why did he not want to be with me? Was he thinking about being with someone else over me? All of this began swirling around in my head as I poured him a cup of hot coffee from the thermos.

That night after I got home and he said goodnight Orca called me for another drive, apparently there was a huge swell. We made it to the car park and he tonight he could not keep his hands off me, the car windows started fogging up and things were getting intense. As I was blowing him he lifted my head up, looked deep into my eyes and said “You have to make a choice, I cannot wait forever, I love you” my face dropped completely and as I stared back into them all I could see was an intense sadness and a longing to be with me that I had never seen in his eyes before. He then pushed my face back into his lap and pretended like he hadn’t said a thing. As he dropped me back at my house I got out the car and offered him a half smile and he said “Ok well I guess I will see you around, even if just on the street.” I shut the car door and headed inside straight into a shower, as the hot water washed over me I began to process everything that had just happened. The time had come to make a choice and no matter what I did someone would get hurt and I would have to live with that. Was this all my own fault for making this mess in the first place? Well we all know the answer is yes, Long story short I chose Chicago Bull and if I could go back in time I would choose Orca if I knew then what I do now. I know that Orca did not get fat, maybe I wouldn’t have either if I had chosen him.

 

Relationships Beginning


Part 4 – Relationships beginnings

As I continued to live in the old house I came across an interesting profile that drew my attention. The guy was new to Adelaide and didn’t have any clue about my slutty ways. We started chatting a lot and he came over to stay the night. After an afternoon of incredibly hot sex and talking he offered to make me dinner. Cooking me fish and salad from actual fresh fish I was completely hooked. This guy seemed like the perfect man. We continued making out and discussed moving in together right away. This was were my head was at, I was lonely, desperate and seeking any form of love that would have me. He called the next day when the dust settled and he got home to say that it wasn’t a good idea for us to move in together. This was definitely a good move on his part as hot as he was/is we were not ready for that and still to this day we remain friends. He was my first taste at what I wanted and convinced myself I needed to be happy.

My first semi relationship was with a guy named Mitch. He was older than I was, not by much he was in his early 30’s, a real estate agent and he played guitar in a band (that should have tipped me off right there!) The first night he took me out for a date we went to a Oyster bar for oysters kilpatrick and shots of pertrone, shortly after we headed to a grand old Italian restaurant La Trattoria were he wined and dined me. The date was off to a great start, from there we headed to a small cafe for coffee and frangelico with biscotti, as the last drop left our mugs we were both absolutely intoxicated. We stumbled into a taxi and headed back to his place in the city (the slut just won’t die!) and he begged me to top for him, something I had not done before. I was used to the other guy being in control and dominating me but this time the tables were turned. This is the first time I felt truly powerful and in control. After this night we spent the next couple of weeks in and out of each others beds and lives were we could fit it in. Through all of this we did not seem to be connecting that well, the dinners got shorter and shorter and eventually just resulted in sex at his house were he would fall asleep after and I was wide awake feeling empty. He did not own a landline phone and his prepaid mobile phone was constantly out of credit, this along with final notice bills that littered his apartment were a sure sign that this was not the relationship I wanted. This was my mindset at the time, believing that these were the things that made a relationship attractive and perfect.

Finally it all came to a crashing halt one night I was dreadfully sick with one of the worst flus I have ever had in my life. I was literally sleeping with my heater for a week, a blanket over my head writing in pain.  Knowing I was feeling like this he asked to come over and I refused, he showed up drunk and insisted on staying. Knowing full well I was sick and drenched in sweat he still tried to force himself upon me. Fondling and kissing me while I had snot and sweat pouring out from of every pore in my body was not really my idea of a romantic night in. It was clear to me that this guy had no respect for me at all. It was the first time I had to break up with someone and it felt weird. Not knowing what to say I resorted to not returning phone calls, ignoring text messages, avoiding the usual places just to make certain that I would not see him. After a few weeks it was safe to say that he got the hint. Finally a month later I plucked up the courage and called him, it went straight to voice mail so I left a message “Hi M it has been a while I am sorry I have been distant I have just been doing a lot of thinking and I have come to the conclusion that we are not good together. I am sorry but this isn’t working. Bye!” I immediately hung up and was processing what I had just done. After I sorted out the conflicting emotions I felt relieved and ever hopeful that there was someone would be out there for me.

It was through this process that I began to discover that I wasn’t feeling great about myself or what I had done. I almost felt guilty and to some point ashamed that I had so casually thrown away a chance at a relationship just because I was feeling incredibly sick. This was the first time I had ever felt remorseful about a relationship ending, a feeling I am sorry to say that would stay with me for a while. Over the course of the next few weeks I began acting irrationally. For one entire week I cleaned our apartment from top to bottom every day. Scrubbing away the mould on the bathroom roof, cleansing the toilet over and over again, vacuuming every last crumb off the carpet and Jiffing the stainless steel kitchen sink to the point of a glare. It was strange, it was odd, my friends asked if I was pregnant or going through “the change” I knew that none of these were the answer and finally after a week my cleaning frenzy whittled down to non chalant calmness and I began to sink into a deep depression. It was wildly complex and upsetting everyday I would wake up, go to the beach and sit and think all day long. This went on for a few days before my housemate alerted me to my lack of bathing and ability to change clothes and again I was back to just pure depression.

It was then that I discovered the phone sex chat lines. Now before you judge just remember I came from an extremely sheltered christian upbringing and I did not know that such things existed. This horrible addiction cost me so much over the next couple of months if I could go back in time and change it I would. I would spend all afternoon and night on the phone chat lines. I was the 1800 whore and I was chatting up like there was no tomorrow. I talked to some interesting characters, the first one I actually met was named George. Immediately the name turned me off as I imagined an older gentlemen with glasses that was 55-60 years old who wore a waistcoat and perfectly pleated pants but something about his greek accent made me want to meet this guy. We met at the jetty in Glenelg were we had coffee and went for a walk on the “beach”. If you have ever been to Glenelg you will know why I put the inverted marks there. We talked for hours on the beach and when it got too cold went back to his loft in the city where the conversation continued for several hours and listening to jazz music. When the morning crept up on us we crept into his bed and lay there talking. He put the moves on and we got to second base. It was here that he stopped and wanted to take things slow. He was a decent guy but seemed very boring, very plain not entirely what I was looking for at all. So after he dropped me home and I got my head around bacon and eggs I decided not to see him again, even to the point of disguising my voice (not so convincingly) on the phone chat line when came on that it wasn’t me.

After this terrible disappointment my slut switch turned itself back on and seemed to go into hyperdrive mode and I once again began doing my rounds. The highlights included a high profile AFL footballer who I will still never name who was incredible on and off the field, a straight tradie who plowed me in his ute still high on whatever amount of drugs he had taken the night before in a carpark at the beach.

It was at this time that I hit the clubs again and once again started making my rounds with a new crowd of guys this time at the club Mars. As I made my way around the club two nights a week I began to feel that empty feeling again the same night I did at Mitch’s house and then without even realizing it I was back in relationship mode again. This of course coincided with seeing Pete the mechanic again. One night I was out doing my rounds at a karaoke bar for the launch of Sky Vodka and with a free vodka for every song you sang I was in! I hit the club early and sang a few tunes to get some drinks up my sleeve and then halfway through “When You Say Nothing At All” by Ronan Keating in walked in Pete. Dressed in tight black jeans and a DC Skate tight t shirt he was looking hotter than ever. My eyes immediately turned to him and for a second I forgot the words as our eyes connected and for a few moments it felt like we were the only two in the whole club. He had been working out more and his arms were huge and inviting, I glided across the dance floor as cool as I could and pretended to literally bump into him and much to my surprise his chest had gotten bigger as well. We exchanged pleasantries and he whispered in my ear “I want to fuck you so bad right here on the dance floor” We began to dance and I could feel his hard on pressing into me as we grinded against each other I had never felt so hot in my entire life. He put his arms around me and pulled me in closer to his chest. We danced together his big arms enveloping me, making me feel like I was home.

After what felt like hours on the dance floor we headed into the bar for fresh drinks and as he sculled his shot of vodka he grabbed me and kissed me deeply, then came those arms again enveloping themselves around me and my hands ran up under his shirt and felt his six pack. He had DEFINITELY been working out and was looking like a young Hugh Jackman and that is no exaggeration. He skulled the rest of my drink and pushed me out the door into a taxi, we headed back to his place where he literally ripped my clothes off and he gave me what still stands to this day as the best sex I have ever had. After several hours had passed and we were finished he wrapped his arms around me and said “This has been really great seeing you again, I missed you” and kissed my forehead. It was official I was back in love again or so I thought “Don’t get the wrong idea I am still going to have a wife and kids I just really loved seeing you again I have missed this” and with that nestled his head into my back and fell asleep. That was the last time I ever saw him, I crept out early in the morning without a note or explanation and we never saw each other again. As I left his house an internal switch flipped on inside of me and started birthing this desire to be in a relationship. The seed was planted and I could feel it growing inside me, enveloping my insides and creating an unbreakable desire to find that one person that I am meant to be with.

It was after this time that I realised that after sowing my wild seeds it was high time I settle down (it was also around this time that I started watching Sex & The City!) Immediately I sided with Carrie Bradshaw and realised like most young gays that I was Carrie Bradshaw wanting that big love and also being a writer and hopeless romantic aided my alliance and claim to becoming the male version of Carrie Bradshaw. Much like Carrie I took an interest in the love life of my friends and took to matching them together, a gift that I am proud to say still follows me today. Much like Carrie focusing on love in my own life was hard, I have high expectations, I believe in love, I do not believe in cheating and settling for anything less is just wasting my time and this is how I treat every relationship I get into. It is working towards a life together and playing games and wanting open relationships and other guys involved is put simply wasting my time and I will no longer put up with that.

My living situation was changing and I found myself having to move back in with my mother for a short period while I looked for another house. I moved back in and I decided I would take my time and figure out my life and what I wanted. Was I really ready for a relationship? Could I stand to put up with one person for the rest of my life? This unbridled feeling within me said yes but my head was still trying to work out the finer details. As I was working through these feelings I was still connecting with new guys and yes I mean connecting, meeting up for dates, dinners, coffees, lunches anything I could get really to chat to guys and see what was out there and what I liked. After several weeks of intense dating I could not bare to stay at my parents house any longer and I had to get out. One of my close friends Cherry Jones aka Meglamania had a spare room and was needing a housemate, without hesitation I accepted and arranged to move my things. A cute little house five minutes out of the heart of the city this seemed like the perfect place to start my new journey of self discovery.

Pray Day 3…


Day Three of my “body revolutionising simple living” challenge and so far I’m not loving it. Having to reduce the amount of food you eat is an incredibly hard task. Especially when the scent of coffee, crossaints and delicious food is wafting through your nostrils all morning. I’m trying to be good with my mint green tea and fruit, and honestly it is as boring as it sounds.

I have been waking up every morning an hour earlier to clear my mind and meditate…I admit I did this the first day and then went back to sleep after ten minutes. I hope this will improve over time, we will see.

I didn’t realise that in a world of fast food and luxury how hardi t would be to rope it back and live simply. At lunch today I went with a friend to Bakers Delight where she purchased a delicious cheese mini pizza and I resisted. I feel this is probably the biggest accomplishment I have made in my life in a long time.

This afternoon I head off on my running with my trainer and honestly I’m really not looking forward to it. I know my body is going to be screaming out to not do it but I must pursue it.

Please pray for me I really don’t know how much longer I can do this without losing my sanity!