Meditation f%^&ing sucks!

True to my word I decided to start daily meditation, it began one night as I had the house to myself and agreed that it would be the perfect time to start.. My room was all setup ready to go, Tibetan prayer flags slung across my window, all electronic devices off and out of reach. I sat on my brown and prickly carpet and attempted to close my mind off.  I immediately began thinking empty your mind, empty your mind, empty your mind, over and over and over.

A few seconds later my mind spoke back to me “Come on now, it shouldn’t be that hard to empty your mind…really? come on, there is not really that much to think about. I wonder how many people have done this before and thought the same, like really think about numbers, it would have to be in the millions right? or maybe over a billion? is that even possible?

Stop it! Clear your mind, come on just clear it! I fought back my own thoughts and once again attempted silence.

“I wonder how many hits out websites got today? Hopefully it will be more than yesterday, based on that new content we put up”


Ok so obviously this wasn’t working. I decided to take myself out of the bedroom and try to get more relaxed so I ran a bath. Using the “good” bubble bath bar I just purchased from Lush, I lit half a dozen candles and slipped into the bath.

I focused on my breathing, in and out, feeling the steam drenching into my pores I finally got 1.25 seconds of silence in my head when it came at me again.

“Wow! this bath smells amazing, it smells like cotton candy, with a hint of lavender. But not too much lavender, just enough to make it calming…yes…I feel calm, I feel relaxed now. I wonder if the markets are on tomorrow? I should message Zoee and find out. I could really go a epanyata or maybe that beautiful chicken and chilli jam breakfast wrap, that is always nice, unless it is really hot..but then I could wear shorts and a tshirt and it wouldnt be that hot and I could eat it right?”

Ok this was seriously becoming a problem. How was I going to do this?? I have way too many thing zooming around in my head. While I agree that this is a large part of the problem I am having what am I meant to do to move forward?

I tried again the next few nights in a row and the same thing happened again and again. I had no idea what to do and I decided that I would message my indian friend to see if he knew of any meditation centres that can help guide you through. I didn’t just want any meditation place, I wanted somewhere that would incorporate spirituality into the practise and hopefully through a supportive environment I could move past this mind mess and actually get somewhere with this.

A few days later I received an sms confirming that there was in fact a Kundalini Yoga centre not too far from me that would be a great place to start, and he would also come with me as a support and for himself as well.

So the plan is to start next week, going a few times a week and see what comes of it. I will be throwing all of myself into this and hoping for some clarity and with the incorporation of a better diet and regular exercise I am hoping to get both my mind and body back on track.

And to answer the question in my comment about the new name, Valhalla is a city in the DC comic book universe, it is a place where tired, worn down heroes come to recharge, to find themselves, gather their strength and head back into the world fighting fit.

I found this suited me and my situation perfectly and was the best way to describe my current state and things are heading.


Last week of “Pray”

This is the start of the last week of my “Pray” challenge and to be honest the last couple of weeks they have gone out the window in relation to looking after my body. I haven’t been watching what I have been eating and my exercise regime has left the building which has resulted in the kg’s going up again. Essentially I have un=done all the work I have done so far. I am attempting to remedy that this week with a 3 day work out to adjust my body back to it’s exercise ready state and I feel that I am more than ready for the “Love” challenge.

Looking back on this phase I can see how I have grown emotionally and have sorted out a lot of things internally that have been sitting inside me for a while. One of the most successful things has been putting into writing the horrible experience with my ex and how this really f***ed up my life and I can see that I was using that as an excuse to not move forward with my life. The result of this has turned into a idea for a book which at the moment is called “Gaytion” a kind of how to guide for the gay relationships world. I can finally see a positive turn around from something that was negative.

This morning I started my first uni class (at 8am!!!!) and can already see myself having a more positive attitude towards my classes and hope that this semester I will be more dedicated and organised than the last. Already the lecturer and teaching staff seem more organised and positive than the last semester. I am looking forward to a better work/uni/life balance this semester and adding the “Love” element should help this along.

Overall I have learnt through this “Pray” experience to be more loving, more kind, more open to other people, their feelings, their thoughts and the importance of quiet times with yourself and how you can grow and change through this. I have found that meditation is a blessing and spending your time, money and energy into others that are important to you as well as yourself is the most rewarding thing you can do.

This week I am preparing my rocks to take on the big walk that I am planning to do this Sunday. In case you forgot I have been writing on rocks the things that I am going to let go of, do a trek through a beautiful rainforest and throw the rocks off the cliff symbolising the release of those things in my life. I am nervous, scared yet extremely excited about this and plan on a beautiful dinner and bath afterward to celebrate the end of the “Pray” challenge.

Meditation made easy…

After 2 months of struggling with my “Pray” challenge I think I am finally making some progress! This morning my body woke me up as usual at 6am, something that I have not done consistently in a VERY long time. When I first started I found myself pressing snooze for an hour and then giving up. As I persevered through it I found it easier to wake up early, once I had mastered this it was waking up early and actually doing something rather than just lie in bed. My first couple of attempts at morning meditation where horrendous. I was easily distracted and convinced myself only a cup of tea would wake me up and help me through. By the time the gas top kettle boiled and I drank the tea it was time to get going. Altering this plan was not easy normally I need coffee to wake me up, and while some mornings this still happens I could feel a change happening.

The first several weeks of meditation where hard I could only last 10 or 15 minutes and that was it my mind just had to think again. I tried hard to re-focus my brain and get it back in gear but it only took time, determination and a whole lot of will power I never knew existed to help me through.

I can now successfully meditate for 45 minutes, with a strong focus on breathing correctly and staying calm it actually helps my natural crazy stay in balance. It also improves my mood a major thing that has gone downhill since this eat healthy, exercise a lot, focus more has started but I am slowly swinging it around.

Meditation may not be for everyone, I definitely thought it was not for me but once I tried it and persevered with it I feel fantastic. It has brought so much clarity to my life, things that I was worried about and issues that got to me just melted away with the meditation and I could not be happier. While gaining balance may not be quick and easy it is worth it when you have small breakthroughs like today.