I’m Coming Out!

My coming out party was hardly a party, in fact it was the complete opposite of anything resembling a party the whole idea of “coming out” and how exciting it is meant to be was completely wasted on me. So often we are bombarded with images in the media of coming out with supportive friends all around us, families who understand and accept and we are met with hugs, applause and support. For me this was completely the opposite, I was met with hatred, anger, ignorance and kicked out of my home. Now let me be very clear, I am not trying to evoke sympathy or make this a sob story. These are simply the facts, I come from an extremely conservative christian upbringing with pure unadulterated belief in the bible and all it’s teachings and that none of it’s contradictions are to be questioned or discussed. My brother was in bible college at the time studying to be a minister, my sister was a regular church attender and youth leader and my Mum was the happy parent. I was going to church at this stage of my life constantly struggling with never fitting in and feeling like a complete outsider. Everyone of their teachings just drove me crazy, you where allowed to question but if you took it to far and didn’t always come to the conclusion “God knows best” it was frowned upon. I made several failed attempts at being a good christian boy and I am sad to say that I had to tell myself and other people a lot of lies to try and make it work. In the end everything washed out, it all came clear and on new years eve 2005 as I performed “Crazy In Love” by Beyonce in a church hall I knew that my time with church and with the christian God was over.

It was at this time that I started thinking of myself as a gay man, it was this precise moment at two minutes past midnight when I was in the back seat of my parents car stuck in traffic in the main road of Adelaide that I knew I was gay and this would be what would make me happy. It was the finality of knowing that this is who I really am and who I am meant to be and why was I running away from it? Why was I so afraid of how my family would react? As drunk slutty girls with their skeezy boyfriends made out all along the street I made a decision that I would find out who I was while still living with my Mum and once I have discovered who I really was meant to be I would go out into the world and live my life happily. Only half of this came true, I went out into the world and started dating. My very first official boyfriend his name was Tic Tac he worked at the international airport and was addicted to tic tac’s and yes I am talking about the mints. He always had packets of tic tacs on him, he had store displays proudly on show in his garage. The up side was that his breath was always minty fresh or tasted like spearmint. This was something that was probably the only plus of being in this relationship. The major downside was that he was a 25 year old who depended on viagra to get it up, not something he revealed on his first night and with a young 21 year old nympho on his hands it was the wrong fit from the very start. Our first date consisted of a ribs and wings combo from this authentic little italian restaurant that we ordered to take home. While provocatively inhaling each individual rib I wondered why this wasn’t progressing the way I had intended.

We finally finished our meals and washed our hands clean and started getting close on the couch, my hand kept brushing the crotch of his jeans and I could not feel anything, it was as if my hand was brushing a limp spanish sausage that was yet to come into season. An hour into the movie I was beginning to question myself, was I sexually attractive? Was I destined to be one of those bookish gay types, you know the one’s who have a million girl friends and never have a boyfriend of their own. While I questioned my attractiveness and the effect of my technique over and over in my head he excused himself to go to the bathroom. He was gone for a good fifteen minutes, I checked my breath, my armpits, making sure there was no smell emanating from my pores that resembled bbq pork ribs or honey soy chicken wingettes. After my check was completed I re-arranged myself on the couch and awaited his return. I was so involved in this moment I had convinced myself that I was an utter and complete failure at love and attractiveness that I could not even tell you what movie we where watching or even have the faintest idea what it was about, even now my mind draws a blank. He finally returned to the corner position on the couch and I again took my place nestled in the cradle of his right arm, after ten minutes or so I could feel his jeans tighten and his crotch starting to grow. This was it, finally after an hour of trying to waken the beast it had finally responded to my touch. I wasn’t doing anything different to what I had been before but for some unknown reason it was working now. He leaned his head down and started kissing me deeply, passionately, his tongue working the inside of my mouth like a hoover. I will stop the description at this point as this is not a pornographic novel (or that is not my intent). We made love and being the early twenty nympho that I was, was already considering round two. I moved down to start the “proceedings” when once again I found myself being stuck in limp land. As I attempted to revive the beast he lifted my head up with small tears in his eyes “I’m really sorry it only works once a night” I must have given his the most confused look anyone in the history of the world has ever had. “I need um…assistance to help me get there” he said his voice echoing with vulnerability. I had to process this for a few minutes before I actually got what he was talking about. “Oh I’m sorry you must think I am a complete sex starved freak!” I replied trying to fill my voice with enough sympathy and understanding. “It’s ok are you ok with this?” as I processed this information I replied “Of course I am, seriously it’s fine!” To this day I still don’t know if it was because I was willing to accept his situation or he actually liked me that we stayed together.

Over the next few months our time was filled with each other, we would have dinners, lunches, movies every chance we got. One weekend we made a decision to do an impromptu visit to the Adelaide wineries. It was my first and I was beyond excited to see this beautiful state that I was now convinced I was destined to be a resident of for some time. We made our way down the freeway and left any sights of the city behind us. Dry patches of bare land rushed past us, coming from Newcastle and Sydney where our lands are green and lush this was quite a shock to my system. This was also reflected in the weather particularly in summer. The dry heat with no ocean breeze to offer any relief was beyond horrifying and with temperatures soaring into this mid 40’s in a typical summer I was convinced this was no place for me to remain for too long. I have always loved the beach, something about the rolling of the waves, the white sand, the crystal blue water always invites me in and makes me want to live there. When I was 17 and moved out of my house I made a promise to myself that I would always live near the beach, the maximum 20 minutes away so I could always just go if I needed to and to this day it still remains a staple of my existence, I would even go so far as to say that it is one of my life pillars. When I am feeling low or down and I have no idea what to do just going to the beach and calming myself will bring me back to where I need to be. It was this revelation about the dryness and lack of ocean that shocked me into South Australia. As we drove along the flat dry plains he proceeded to tell me that there where no natural beaches in Adelaide and the closest was about an hour and a half drive from the city and it was that shark infested you would not swim there. This alarming realisation shook me at my core, it may sound dramatic but at that point in my life it was how I was feeling. We decided to ditch the wine (this would be the ONLY time in my life that this would happen!) and drive to the “beach” A beautiful place called Victor Harbour awaited my arrival. We pulled into the beach carpark and my jaw dropped so hard he nearly called a paramedic  for assistance. The beach consisted of blue water, not crystal clear water that I was used to it was a dark murky colour, the kind that you would expect to see in Scotland or London a place not famous for it’s beaches or clear water. I was beyond words as I surveyed the town and water with disgust he found this to be the most amusing thing he had seen in a long time. We emerged from the car and started to walk along the breakwall to a small island aptly named Penguin Island. As we walked all over the island marveling at the incredible beauty and silence that this place emanated we climbed down onto a rock overlooking the ocean and began to kiss. As our hands where exploring each other’s bodies he stopped me “I didn’t bring anything I’m so sorry” This was beginning to be a problem.

We made our way back to the town and strolled through quaint little speciality shops parading their local paraphernalia I was distracted the whole time. How could it be that I ended up like this? When did I get this shallow and selfish? It was a long drive home and we struck a flat in the middle of the freeway, as we got out of the car in the extreme heat with no air-conditioning my patience had well and truly got the better of me. I could feel myself reaching boiling point and just exploding out of frustration. The RTA finally arrived and told us what we already knew, you have a flat tyre and provided us with a new one. The officer refused to change the tyre for us as we where men. Neither one of us knew the first thing about changing flat tyre’s on a car. Probably something that should be investigated before renting a car and driving down the freeway. This was the first test of our friendship, we yelled, we swore, we phones friends for advice and after three grueling hours later the tyre was changed and we where on the road again. This is where the cracks began to appear in our relationship. We sat in silence all the way home, now and again I would make a snide comment that it was intended to cut deep into the emotional ten foot re-enforced concrete wall he had put up since he started driving. The next weekend came and it was time for my mothers second wedding. He was my plus one and I had told Mum that he was a friend from church (seriously why did I even bother???) we got to the wedding and where seated at the same table as a pastor and his wife. This was not going to be a fun meal! As we discussed pleasantries and I masked my homosexuality apparently not very well my mum and new step-father announced their departure and I knew it was time to go. Her friends at the wedding saw right through my deception and convinced my mother that I was gay. It all fell apart when she found out that I wasn’t really going to church and youth group on Saturday nights and Sundays and long story short she kicked me out. My new step-father came out the back and said “You don’t have to leave you know I will make this work” as I looked at him with appreciation I decided that the best thing was for me to leave. I had made myself a promise four months earlier to find myself this year on my own and here was my opportunity, granted not the one I had been hoping for but an opportunity nonetheless and I knew that my Mum’s strong christian faith would blind her from ever accepting this so a little time would be best for everyone.

The only place I had to go in Adelaide was his house, I packed what little possessions I had and off we went. For the first week I sank into extreme depression with no job or home or family I felt like I was destined to fail at life. I spent the first week hanging out with his housemate, going on walks, watching movies and discussing my next move. The week after this it was my birthday. His birthday was the one before mine and his housemate’s was the day after so we decided a joint birthday party would be the best idea. The party theme was movies and we all dressed up for the affair. We headed to the local costume shop and decided that I should go as Elle Woods from Legally Blonde 2 complete with the pink suit and Pillsbury hat. The outfit was flawless and we even got a little dog for me for the night. Beer and champagne flowed all night, one of his friends arrived and he was hot and I mean HOT! He was 23, drove a V8, had a 5 o’clock shadow with dark hair and smoldering eyes that could melt you and I was hooked. We flirted all night and after I got dressed into my normal clothes he grabbed me when I was in our bedroom and started kissing me, his pants came off and I started giving him a blow job (what is it with me and my weakness for blow jobs??) His housemate slid open the door and caught me. My heart froze and the only thing I could think of was “I was just helping him put on his pants” she looked at me dis-approvingly and closed the door again.

A week later I had a job interview at Hungry Jacks (where his housemate worked) I was successful and started my working life at the fast food chain. After 2 unsuccessful shifts of clambering around and looking like a complete douche bag I knew this wasn’t for me. To top it off he had gone to work one morning and sent me this sms “You need to move out and it has to be today, when I get home I don’t want you there, if we are to continue our relationship we cannot live together anymore” Fortunately I had been looking at a few places and told my new housemate that I would move in that very day.

To be continued…